How to Be the Friend Your Adult Kids Want in Their Lives

As empty nesters, one of the most meaningful (and sometimes challenging!) transitions we face is learning how to build a new kind of relationship with our adult children. Gone are the parenting days when you were constantly instructing, disciplining, correcting, and making “suggestions.” Welcome to the days when parenting looks a lot more like being a good friend.

I’m here to tell you, if your goal is to move from parenting into friendship, it won’t just happen overnight, and it won’t just happen by default. Nope. You’ll need to be intentional, patient, and dependable.

The photo above is one of my recent favorites! It was the morning of Becca’s graduation with her Master’s from NYC. We went to tea at the Plaza Hotel, one of our very favorite special occasion traditions. I asked Bob to take a photo of the two of us, and he snapped one, but said, “You’re sitting too far apart! It looks weird.” Becca jokingly leaned into me in response, and he snapped this very natural moment.

A sweet friendship refreshes the soul.

Proverbs 27:9

All healthy relationships are dynamic, and just like all of my relationships, my friendship with my daughter is a work in progress. I’ve worked hard with all of my children to shift my role in their lives, cultivate trust, and be the kind of friend my grown children actually want in their lives.

Why Your Friendship Matters

Once your kids are grown, the dynamics of your relationship have to change. You’re no longer the one calling the shots. That can be tough! After all, you spent 18+ years parenting (in the traditional sense). But if you’re aiming for ongoing connection and influence in the lives of adult child, your role must evolve into one of support, not control.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
- Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

If the goal of your parenting is friendship, you’re going to have to be intentional about it. That means relinquishing your role as an advice-giver, respecting your adult child’s independence, and focusing on building a relationship rooted in mutual trust and respect.

What Makes a Good Friend?

Before we can become great friends to our adult kids, we need to understand what true friendship looks like. Good friends are trustworthy, loyal, and dependable. They’re encouraging, positive, kind, and thoughtful. They’re good listeners, non-judgmental, and empathetic. They’re supportive in good times and bad, and they don’t give advice unless asked. They respect your time, opinions, and boundaries and are fun to be around. They consider you before themselves.

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
- Romans 12:10

Be that person with your kids!

5 Steps to Building Friendship with Your Adult Kids

First of all, remember that you’ve never walked this path before, and neither have they, so you both need to be understanding and patient with one another! You’re (hopefully) working hard to see them as young adults with thoughts, ideas, and relationships of their own. But are they doing that with you? Or are they stuck seeing you as mom?

We told our kids we would do our best and work hard to see them as adults, but we also needed them to try to view us our relationship differently. You’ve seen your kids evolve and grow through the years, but for them, they’ve only seen you in one primary role—that of parent. That means it’s going to take effort on their part to see you as individuals who are growing, learning, and evolving as well. It’s okay to ask them to work on seeing you that way, just as you are working to see them as individuated adults.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. 
- Proverbs 27:17

1. Give Each Other Grace

Mistakes are part of the process. As you navigate this new season, you may find yourself slipping back into “parent mode” without even realizing it, and your adult children may misinterpret your words as instruction or criticism. If you realize that is happening, stop immediately and apologize or clarify—it’s all part of learning together. The key is to keep communication open, gently remind each other that you’re both figuring this out, and commit to seeing one another with fresh eyes and renewed understanding.

2. See Them as Adults

It sounds simple, but it’s tougher than you might expect! As your kids grow into adulthood, you are hopefully learning to see them as the capable, thoughtful individuals they are with their own ideas, relationships, and life paths. That shift does not happen overnight. It takes practice and a lot of effort.

Do to others as you would have them do to you.
- Luke 6:31

When they’re talking with you, ask yourself: Am I truly listening or just waiting for my turn to talk? Do I speak to them like the adults they are, or do I slip back into my old mom voice? Have I made space for their opinions, or am I still doing most of the talking? These little check-ins can help you adjust your mindset and deepen your connection. Remember, friendship with your adult kids starts with seeing them clearly and honoring who they are becoming.

One of the best ways to support your adult kids without overstepping is to ask thoughtful, open-ended questions that invite conversation instead of control. Be an active, empathetic listener and look for opportunities to encourage and affirm their independence. Practice the support response rather than the shift response as you talk with them.

3. Spend Time on Their Turf

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
- Proverbs 17:17

Make the effort to get on their “turf” and spend one-on-one time with them. (Kids of any age love to have their parents’ undivided attention!) I’ve helped my kids move into new apartments, shopped with them for groceries, and visited their churches when I visited them. Walking through these everyday activities on their turf builds the intimacy of shared experiences. And that builds relationships.

4. Hold Back on the Advice

This is a tough one, my friends! Giving instruction and advice was your go-to for more than eighteen years, so it’s going to be your default to want to jump in again. But resist! It’s time to pause and wait until you’re asked. Don’t give advice unless you’re invited to do so. I know it’s hard, but trust me, this can make or break your relationship. Holding back shows respect and builds trust, and that’s what real friendship is all about.

Remember, your adult kids can even hear your “suggestions” as a lack of faith in their ability to make their own wise decisions. Think very carefully before asking, “May I make a suggestion?”

5. Be a Joy to Be Around

Don’t forget that friendship is supposed to be fun. If your heart’s desire is to be a trusted confidant to your adult kids, make sure you’re someone they actually enjoy being around. That means keeping your sense of humor, showing a genuine interest in their lives, and being lighthearted, flexible, and open. You do not have to be perfect. You just need to be present. And when you’re present, bring warmth, a cheerful spirit, and a willingness to meet them where they are. By doing this, you create a safe and joyful space where your relationship can flourish.

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
- Proverbs 17:22

Being a parent to adult children requires a new mindset. Your influence now comes through relationship, not authority. So shift your goal from being “right” to being reliable, respectful, and relational. Be the kind of person they can trust with their hearts.

You can do it, Mama!