The Secret to Great Conversations With Your Adult Kids

Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!
– Psalm 141:3 (ESV)

When our kids get older, conversations carry more weight. We have limited time with them, so every word matters! I think it’s important to be intentional about what we say and how we say it. Why? Because our words show what’s in our heart!

A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

– Luke 6:45-47

How are your conversation skills? How are your conversations with your adult kids? Are you thoughtful and intentional in your conversations with your adult kids? If not, you may accidentally fall back into old patterns of freely sharing your opinions, advice giving, or even just making “suggestions.” (Suzy suggests NO suggestions!)

Support, Don’t Shift

So what’s the secret to great conversations with your adult kids (or anyone, really)? It’s the shift/support response! Do you “shift” or do you “support” in conversation? Here’s what I mean.

Picture this: your son tells you about a stressful work situation, and before you know it, you’re telling him about a similar experience you had twenty years ago. Or your daughter shares her excitement about an upcoming trip, and suddenly, you’re telling her about your own travels to the same spot. Your friend tells you that she had the flu last week, and you “sympothize” by telling her about your recent illness.

Yikes! In all of those instances, you’ve shifted the conversation to yourself, instead of supporting the person who is opening up to you!

I think for most of us, when we shift the conversation as in the examples above, our intent is to build intimacy by showing that we share common ground with the other person.

But when you shift a conversation onto yourself, you’ve actually commandeered the conversation and pulled the focus away from the other person. Instead of feeling supported, they may feel unheard or marginalized. It essentially shuts down the conversation. (Which is the opposite of what we want with our adult kids!)

When our kids were little, they came to us for advice, comfort, and guidance. Now that they’re adults, they still want connection and encouragement—but they want it on a more mutual, respectful level. As parents, we need to grow with them and learn how to become the kind of listener they’re drawn to. We want to be the kind of parent our adult kids want to talk to—not the kind they avoid sharing things with!

So how do we keep the conversation about them? How do we honor our role as supportive parents without overstepping or overshadowing?

Here are a few more tips:

Mirror, Don’t Magnify

When they share something, reflect their feelings instead of adding your own. If they say, “I’m nervous about my new job,” instead of responding with, “Oh, I remember when I started my first job…” (That’s a shift response.) try saying something like, “That makes so much sense! What’s the part you’re most concerned about?” (That’s a support response that mirrors their feelings and shows you understand.)

A support response keeps the focus on them and helps them feel heard and validated. It tells them, “I see you.” The shift response says, “Oh, I know exactly how you feel.” (Newflash📰! You don’t!) It shuts down a conversation by making it all about you, giving them no real way to respond.

Ask, Don’t Assume

Instead of offering advice (shift response) or a “suggestion” right away (Suzy suggests NO suggestions!), ask open-ended questions like, “What do you think you’ll do?” or “How are you feeling about that?” This support response invites them to process their own thoughts instead of being handed a solution. It also communicates trust. You’re saying, “I believe in your ability to figure this out.”

It makes you a valued conselor, and encourages them to continue coming to you when they need to talk things out.

Encourage, Don’t Eclipse

Be their head cheerleader and chief encourager! Celebrate their wins, listen to their stories, and affirm their choices (support response). Phrases like “That sounds amazing!” or “I love how you’re handling this” go a long way in reinforcing their confidence and independence. Having (and communicating) faith and confidence in your adult kids can inspire their confidence in their own abilities to handle a situation. Believing in them helps them believe in themselves!

When they come to you with something exciting, match their energy and enthusiasm. (Support response.) Never, never try to one-up them (shift response), even if your intent is to show you “get” how they’re feeling. (Remember: newsflash📰, you don’t!)

Listen, Don’t Lecture

Listening is one of the most loving things you can do. Sometimes they’re not looking for a fix—they’re just looking to feel understood. Good listeners focus fully on the speaker, resisting the urge to interrupt or mentally prepare their response while the other person is talking. Good listeners show they’re engaged through eye contact, open body language, and gentle verbal cues like “I see” or “Go on.” Most importantly, they seek to understand before being understood, asking thoughtful questions that invite deeper connection. (That’s another example of the support response.)

At the risk of being repetitive, I’m going to say it again! ⬇️

Never, never, never say things like, “I know exactly how you feel,” or “Oh, I know exactly what you should do about that.” (That’s the shift response.) Even if you’ve been through something similar, resist the urge to turn it into a teaching moment. That’s not your job anymore.

Empathize, Don’t Minimize

Work to hear the feelings behind what they’re saying. Don’t say things like, “Oh, that’s no big deal.” or “You need to relax and give it some time.” Instead, say something like, “I can see how you’d feel that way.”

Even if the issue seems small to you, it might be big to them. Let your response reflect your care (support), not your judgment.

By keeping the focus on your adult kids (or anyone you’re talking with) and using support responses rather than shift responses, you show that you value who they are as adults and how they feel. When you keep the focus on them in a conversation, you’ll see a remarkable difference in their response. They’ll be more likely to share more with you in the future, because they feel supported and heard. That’s the kind of love and conversation they’ll want to keep coming back for.

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How are your conversations with your adult kids? This is something I’m working on, and it takes effort and thought! Let’s all work on it together! The next time our adult kids share something, pause before responding. Will we shift the conversation to ourselves, or support by keeping the focus on them?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments, okay?