Are You a Digital Helicopter Parent? | New Rules of Engagement

Recently, I had the privilege of being a guest on the Midlife Momma Podcast hosted by my friend Pamela Henkelman. You can listen to my episode HERE.) While we were off the air, we started talking about the potential dangers of becoming a digital helicopter parent!😲😳

What with texting, social media, and family group texts (not to mention all of those location-sharing apps!), it could become a real issue for a parent of adult kids! So what are the new rules of engagement when it comes to interacting digitally with our adult kids? Pamela and I decided to tackle the topic together! Before we dive in, I want you to get to know Pamela. (I promise, you’ll L💗VE her as much as I do!)

About Pamela

My pal Pamela Henkelman is a Life Coach for Midlife Moms. She’s also a speaker, writer, and host of The Midlife Momma Podcast. With her big smile and enthusiastic personality, she is passionate about encouraging women, particularly moms of adult children. As a mom of five grown kids and two grandsons, Pamela is well-equipped to help moms navigate their changing roles and build stronger relationships with their grown children. (Read that: She has lots of experience navigating the empty nest phase of life.) She and her husband, who is a pastor, are living their best empty nest life and loving every minute of it.

Digital Helicopter Parenting

When Pamela and I first started talking about writing a post about the dangers of becoming a digital helicopter parent, we decided to make a list of the common questions we get from empty nester moms about digital parenting issues. (You’ll find those in italics below.) Then we decided to answer those questions in a conversational, back-and-forth format. The hope is that you’ll get the most out of hearing from both of us on each topic! 😀 Let’s dive in, okay?

What’s a good way to talk about digital communication? When should I do it? How do I know how much digital communication on my end is too much? What are some good rules of engagement? How do I handle my expectations surrounding digital communication? 

Suzy: I think the best time to have a discussion about this is before your child leaves for college! We told our kids that we didn’t want to invade their space, and we respected the fact that they were working to differentiate and become their own people — without us being digital helicopter parents and watching too closely.

I think they appreciated the fact that we tried to put ourselves in their shoes and put their needs first, rather than making it all about our emotions and expectations! We asked for mutual respect and understanding. It was important that we all acknowledged the fact that they were going through a big adjustment being away from home, and we were also going through a big adjustment. 

If you missed that pre-college time frame, it’s not too late to have a conversation about it! I think the most important thing to remember is to consider others more important than yourself. (Phil. 2:3-11). You want to honor your adult kids and show thoughtfulness and consideration in all of your interactions with them!

Pamela: I agree, Suzy! Have the conversation when the kids leave home for college, the military, or the workforce. A simple conversation about communication clears up a lot of things and helps us manage our expectations. I have five kids, and we all communicate differently. Some I text with several times a week, and others not nearly as much. But I love them all, and we feel close to each other. The bottom line is to have clear communication about how you want to communicate when you’re apart. If you’ve failed to talk about this, then now is a perfect time. Clear the air, forgive, and start over. You’ll be amazed at how much peace you’ll experience moving forward.

Suzy: Fabulous advice, and I love that you talked about forgiveness! Asking our kids’ forgiveness goes a long way with them!

Pamela: Suzy, that’s right. When we interact with our adult children from a posture of humility, it is always received well. When we step back from being right and simply say, “I’m sorry,” it restores our bond.

Is it okay to use the Life360 App to keep track of my college student’s whereabouts (for safety purposes, of course)?

Suzy: I would not recommend using any type of location tracking to keep up with your students’ whereabouts in a long-term situation. They are adults, and it’s just too invasive. In the short term, however, I do think there’s a time and place to use location sharing! For example, our 26-year-old daughter shares her location for Uber rides with us for safety reasons. (You can do that right in the Uber app.) I share my location with my husband when I’m in an Uber alone too!

Pamela: I agree, Suzy; we can use it in the short term, only for safety reasons. It’s rude and inappropriate to check on your adult child’s location. No adult child wants to feel like their parent is keeping tabs on them. It feels childish. You need to be content with not knowing what they’re up to. They will tell you what they want you to know. If you are stuck in this habit, it would be helpful for the relationship if you stopped. We want our relationship with our grown kids to be built on mutual trust and respect. 

 

When I call my kids, they think someone died! 😂 Should I text them first to ask permission to call or Facetime?

Suzy: I think texting to ask permission or schedule a call or FaceTime is an honoring and thoughtful thing to do. It sends a message that their schedule is something you respect and ensures that you will get their full attention when you do talk. If you’re calling for a specific reason or to discuss something in particular, I also suggest that you tell them what you’re calling about and/or how much time you think it will take. Again, this shows respect for their time. Ideally, they should be doing this with you as well, which shows respect for the fact that you’re leading a full and purposeful life as well!

Why don’t my kids ever reach out to me? It’s like they don’t need me. What should I do?

Pamela: We need to pivot in our role. We move from training and directing to supporting and affirming. This is the season of less talking and more listening. Empathy goes a long way. We want to encourage their independence — so you have the freedom to pursue your own interests.

Suzy: I love that! I think we all need to remember that the goal of our parenting is to get to a place of friendship with our kids, where they value us as a voice of encouragement and perhaps even wise counsel in their lives. You have to be intentional about cultivating this, as it may not come naturally. The last thing you want is to fall into default parenting mode and start offering unsolicited advice or opinions! (Remember, unsolicited advice is usually taken as criticism.) As adults, they may not need you, but hopefully, they do want you! Be the winsome, warm, and positive person that they want to welcome into their lives. 

My kids get annoyed if I can’t talk to them immediately. How do I handle that?

Suzy: Mothering is a sacred calling and a precious privilege, but if you’re an empty nester, your life doesn’t revolve around your children anymore! As an empty nester, you need to keep learning and growing as your own person.

Just like you’re adjusting to seeing your kids as their own people apart from their identity as your children, they need to adjust to seeing you as your own person apart from your identity as their parent. We told our kids that we were working to view them differently and that we asked that they would do the same for us. We aren’t always available when they want to talk, and they need to be respectful of that, just like they want us to be respectful of their schedules.

Pamela: Boundaries are important in this season of parenting. We no longer need to be at our child’s beck and call. If they reach out and you’re not available, simply say,” I’m busy now; can we connect later?” and give them a few options that work.

Suzy: Boundaries!!!! 🙌

How often should I text my adult children? What’s a reasonable time frame for them to respond? (I get so hurt when they ignore my texts.) Should I not text my kids at all and instead just wait for them to contact me?

Suzy: Rather than being guided by assumptions and expectations, I would let thoughtfulness, honor, and respect for your adult kids be your guide. When it comes to texts, treat them the way you want to be treated, and do your best to give them the benefit of the doubt when it comes to returning your texts. 

Also, consider how they’re responding to your texts! For example, if your kids are responding to your frequent texts with one-word answers, you may want to pull back on how often you’re texting them. Be sure that some of your digital communication is light and fun – like sending cute memes, photos of family, or telling them funny stories about the cute thing Grandma said last weekend, etc.

Pamela– Guard against being offended by your child’s behavior. They’re young adults living busy lives. They’re not thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them. Generosity, kindness, and tenderness are better than offense and bitterness. Be gracious and be grateful your child is building a life apart from you. Then you go out and do something you love! 

Suzy: I love the reminder that they’re not thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about them. OUCH! …but so true.

Should I respond to my adult kids’ social media posts? Is that annoying or embarrassing to them? What about talking about them on social media? Should I ask permission first?

Pamela – Ask first and use restraint. It’s the right thing to do. Less is more! You won’t always agree with your child’s opinion on social media. We don’t have to respond or agree or comment on everything they put out. It’s better to have face-to-face conversations about difficult topics than on social media, or perhaps it’s better to keep your mouth shut and pray more. It’s okay to scroll right on by your child’s social media posts. Creating a little distance is a healthy response. We don’t have to fix our kids or change our kids. We’re called to love them and pray for the Holy Spirit to move in their hearts.

Suzy: Yes! I agree with Pamela! ALWAYS, always, always ask permission before posting a photo or anything about them on social media. Asking shows respect for them as adults! If they say no, honor that with a good attitude and with deference to their wishes. (BTW, this is even more critical if you’re talking about posting pictures of your grandkids! ASK FIRST!)

Personally, I don’t want the relationships I have with my kids to play out on social media, so I usually limit myself to liking their posts without commenting. If I do comment, I keep it short and sweet. (Maybe even just an emoji like 🙌 or 🎉.) The last thing I want to do is embarrass them, so I don’t do social media birthday posts with their baby pictures or a slide show of their lives, etc! If I want to tell them Happy Birthday, I’d rather keep it private within our family group text or a personal text just to them. 

I told you you’d love Pamela as much as I do! She’s one wise and experienced Momma! I highly suggest you follow her on Instagram and Facebook, check out the Midlife Momma podcast, and thoroughly explore her fabulous website. She is a jewel and an amazing resource for empty nester moms!

I hope you found this post helpful and encouraging! What have been your greatest challenges in communicating digitally with your adult kids? Are there any questions you have that we didn’t answer? Leave me a comment and let me know, okay?

If you found this post helpful, you might want to check out some of my other posts about parenting adult kids. Click any of the links below!

• How to Have Meaningful Conversations With Your Adult Kids
• 10 Ways to Help When Adult Children Are Questioning Their Faith
• How to Pray for Your Adult Children: 6 Bible Verses to Use
• What Your 20-Something Wants to Tell You (And Needs to Hear From You)

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