5 Meaningful Ways to Stay Close to Adult Kids Living Far Away

Well, it finally happened. All of our adult kids moved away! Like, not just out of the house, but away, away. Like, out of town! Like so many other empty nesters, Bob and I were confronted with the issue of how to stay close to our adult kids when we wouldn’t get to see them face-to-face on a regular basis.

I heard a relationship expert once say that love is more intensely felt, top-down rather than the other way around. While he didn’t mean that we love our kids more than they love us, he did mean that parents will think about their kids more than the other way around. It may sound harsh, but I will say, we’ve found it to be true! I would say it’s true of the other empty nester couples we know as well.

What that means is that, as parents of adult kids, we need to temper our expectations! Expectations are the enemy of contentedness and joy, and they are self-centered rather than others-centered. True love is others-focused (1 Corinthians 13), and that’s the kind of love I want to have and the kind of parent of adult kids I want to be.

If you’re going into interactions with your kids with too many expectations about how things are going to be, you’re going to be disappointed. My best advice? We all need significance and purpose, but we can’t place that expectation on another person. It’s just not fair to them. Look for your purpose in your faith, in meaningful work, and in serving others.

Raising kids is a sacred calling, and your kids will always be your kids. That said, I know you know that your relationship with them changes as they get older. You shift from instruction and advice-giver to encourager, cheerleader, and (if asked) trusted counselor. If you don’t make that shift, you may lose your kids and sacrifice the relationship you want to have with them as adults.

All relationships need space to breathe, and yet they also take intentionality in order to grow. So, how can you stay close to your adult kids when you don’t get to see them face-to-face as often as you’d like? Today, I’m sharing 5 meaningful things that you can do to keep your relationship thriving.

1. Digital Communication

We’re so blessed to live in a time when our kids are just a text, a FaceTime, or a phone call away! Take the time to send funny articles, quotes, or memes to your kids, and react appropriately when they send you one back. My daughter sent me THIS reel, which is, of course, a hilarious exaggeration of our relationship. That’s what made it funny!

Remember that digital communication doesn’t just go one way! You don’t want to be a digital helicopter parent, but at the same time, you don’t want to always wait for them to call or text you first. One basic rule of communication to remember is that silence is rarely interpreted in a positive way. If you’re constantly waiting for them to make the first move with communication, they may think you don’t really care. (Which, of course, couldn’t be further from the truth.)

If you miss them, tell them! Ask for a convenient time for a catch-up FaceTime or call. Don’t go in with an agenda or expectations. Instead, just enjoy the sweetness of the time together. Spend that time wisely.

• Ask them to tell you about work or school.
• Ask them to walk you through a typical day in their life.
• If they share something tender, painful, or even celebratory, say, “Thank you for sharing that with me.” Remember to reflect their feelings in your response. (Romans 12:15 – “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.”)
• If they’re ill, hurting, or especially needy, continue to check up on them via text or call in the coming days. (And see #5 on this list!)
• End the conversation well. I always ask my kids what they have coming up that week and how I can pray for them.
• Tell them you love them as you sign off!

Need ideas for these conversations? Check out my post on Having Meaningful Conversations with Your Adult Kids.

2. Get on Their Turf

No matter how old they are, your kids still want you to be proud of them. When you get on their turf, you’ll learn so much about them! Showing you where they work, go to school, or even grocery shop is important to them, and seeing all of that will give you great insight into their lives, as well as offer the opportunity for some really special conversations. If you’re looking for ways to bless and encourage them, getting on their turf will do it!

3. Help Practically When You Can

When your kids need help, GO! If they need help moving, recovering from Mononucleosis, getting over a bad breakup, or with a new baby, GO! No matter how old your kids are, trust me, they want their mom when they don’t feel well or need help! As I’ve been down with my sprained ankle the past few days, I’ve been texting my 80-something-year-old mom daily photos of my discolored foot! 🦶😂

4. Love Who They Love

This extends to their spouses, kids, and even their friends!

Spouses

When my sons got married, I got two new daughters. My sons love these girls, so I love them too. I work on building my relationships with them, putting them into the same category as my own daughter in my heart. This extends to the practical too! When it comes to gifts, I spend the same amount on each of my kids—including my precious daughters-in-law. When it comes to prayer, I pray for them just like I pray for my own kids.

The young women my sons have married are different from me—and that’s a good thing! I don’t focus on our differences—I focus on our similarities and the biggest one of all—they love my sons. I told both girls that I did the best I could with my boys, but I was not the perfect mom, and they were definitely works in progress 😂!

If you struggle with your relationship with your daughter(s)-in-law, or son(s)-in-law, do your best to take your eyes off yourself and focus on what you have in common—love for your son (or daughter). Be very careful not to let your personal expectations (There’s that word again!) color your relationship with them. Take your eyes off yourself, pray for them, and ask the Lord to show you how you can serve and bless them.

Kids

Grandparenting is such a joy, and this LouLou cannot get enough! But your adult kids don’t stop being your kids when they become parents. In fact, they may need your support and encouragement even more! When Weston and Sarah were expecting Lily, Bob and I told them that even though we were so excited to be grandparents, the two of them would always be our top priority.

Now, when this sweet family of three walks in the door, we kiss the baby, hug both of them, and always ask how they’re doing within the first minute or two. Don’t skip over your relationship with your own kids when they have your grandkids! Expand your heart, and take in everyone.

One of our favorite things about becoming grandparents has been seeing our son and daughter-in-law grow into their role as parents. We tell them all the time what an amazing job they’re doing, and we do whatever we can to support and encourage them. (The baby snuggles are just an added bonus!)

Friends

Have you heard Millenials called the “Friends as Family” Generation? The first Millennials (born in 1981) had just reached their teenage years when Friends landed on television screens in 1994. In the midst of the highest divorce rates in history, the show about a group of friends who meet up every day to laugh and cry their way through life together became somewhat of a template for our kids’ lives. The prevalence of social media only added to this mindset that has come to characterize their generation.

The bottom line: Your adult kids’ friends are VERY important to them. Learn their friend’s names, remember the things your kids tell you about them, and ask about them when you spend time with your kids.

5. Practically Show Thoughtfulness

Everyone loves gifts because of what they represent: thoughtfulness! Gift your kids with thoughtfulness as often as you can! It doesn’t have to be expensive! Gifts can be experiences, time together, or actual gifts!

Experiences

When I didn’t know what to get my daughter-in-law, Abby, for her birthday, I called my son. He told me she’d been stressed at work and suggested a spa day! I was able to go online and find the spa he suggested, and she had a gift certificate in her inbox by the end of the day! Sometimes, providing an experience for your adult child (even if it doesn’t involve you) is the most thoughtful thing you can do for them!

When Sarah was expecting baby Lily, I threw a Baby Shower for her! (You can read about it HERE.) It was so much fun to get our family and Sarah’s friends together to celebrate her!

Time Together

When your kids live out of town, spending time together can take some advance planning. But it’s worth it!

Avara Ellen Dress (Use code SUZY15 for 15% off.)

When I asked my daughter-in-law, Sarah, what she wanted for her birthday, she told me that she wanted me to take her shopping! She and her husband and baby drove to Dallas, and she and I spent the sweetest afternoon shopping at Avara, then going to our favorite gluten-free/vegan bakery for cupcakes. It was such a fun afternoon together, and we had a great conversation. I hope I was able to encourage her! (I tried!)😍

Gifts

There are so many great gift ideas that can help you stay close to your adult kids who live far away. Send a gift of soup when they’re sick, of cookies when they’re studying, and flowers when you want them to know they’re in your thoughts! Here are a few of our best ideas:

• 1-800-Flowers – They don’t just ship flowers but also things like popcorn, fruit, and gifts galore. This is always my first stop!
• Harry & David – The perfect stop for gourmet decorated cookies, fresh fruit, and lots more.
• DoorDash – Send a DoorDash Gift Card to help take the pressure off of ordering dinner when things get busy or stressful. (We did this two weeks ago for Weston & Sarah!)
• Crochet Flowers – Send one of these gorgeous crochet floral arrangements for a floral gift that will never need water.
• LovePop Cards – The gorgeous 3D cards to send when Hallmark just won’t cut it!
• FreshCut Cards – Similar to LovePop Cards, but I think they have more inventive designs.
• Munchie Mountain – I love these well-priced snack variety boxes you can send!
• Spoonful of Comfort – This gourmet soup delivery company is perfect when you’ve got a sickie far away! Send their Get Well Soon Gift Package, or try their New Parent Package for the ultimate baby gift.
• Crumbl Cookies – This gourmet cookie company will ship anywhere within the US!
• Unrefined Bakery – Got an adult kid with gluten, dairy, nut, or other sensitivities? Try my favorite vegan bakery and ship nationwide.
• Cookie Fries Red Basket – So cute! These cookies have a long shelf life and can be kept in a cool, dry place for up to six weeks.

Staying close to adult kids who don’t live close by takes thoughtfulness and effort, but it makes such a difference! When all else fails, ask them, “How can I help?” Be prepared to act on their answer!

Smocked Bodice Short Sleeve Dress (18 color options) | Taupe Western Boots | Similar Tory Burch Watch Band | Gold Statement Earrings

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I’d love to hear what you do to stay close to your adult kids who live far away. Your ideas will encourage our empty nester community! Please share your best ideas in the comments, okay? xoxo