Coping With Expectations & Disappointment in the Empty Nest
Last week I heard from an Empty Nest Blessed follower who was dealing with expectations and disappointment in the empty nest. She shared that she imagined she’d be a grandmother by now, only to realize her kids aren’t anywhere close to marriage or starting families. While her friends are busy planning weddings and welcoming grandchildren, she’s nowhere near that. She realizes she’s starting to descend into a place of jealousy and maybe even resentment with friends she loves. She wants to be happy for them and share their joy. But she’s struggling to get there.
She’s not alone. For some women, disappointment looks like widowhood and the loss of dreams of retirement and traveling the world with their husbands. For others, it’s walking through divorce when they hoped their marriage was strong enough to go the distance. Still others ache because their adult kids have abandoned the faith they were raised in, or because they don’t get to be as present in their grandchildren’s lives as they once envisioned. I hear this more than you know. I feel twinges of it in my own life sometimes. None of us are immune.
Disappointment takes many forms in the empty nest, but at its core, it often comes down to this: life doesn’t look like we thought it would. More often than not, the gap between our expectations and our reality is where heartache takes root. And when disappointment takes root, it can turn into jealousy, then resentment, and eventually it can settle into bitterness. Are you sitting somewhere on that continuum?
When Life Doesn’t Look Like You Thought It Would
Maybe for you it’s not about any of those things I mentioned. It could be something “smaller,” like how often your kids call, how holidays unfold, or what you pictured the empty nest season would feel like. Whatever the details, most of us are familiar with that ache when life doesn’t line up with our expectations. You can get “stuck,” with your mind going there again and again throughout the day. You can struggle to get past it. If it’s not arrested, pretty soon you may find it has become the defining thing in your life.
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Why Expectations Can Steal Our Joy
In my book, Empty Nest Blessed: 60 Days to Finding Joy in the Empty Nest, I wrote a chapter called “Great Expectations.” In it, I share that unrealistic expectations will steal your joy—because no one can live up to the perfect script we write in our heads about how family time should go or how our kids’ lives should unfold.
I see this again and again as I talk to empty nesters. Expectations create a mental template for how things “should” be, but life is often messy and unpredictable. We imagine how things should go—but life rarely follows the script in our heads. Expectations often lead us to focus on a desired future outcome, convincing us that joy is hidden there rather than in the present.
Focusing on what could have been or what we think should have been disconnects us from the actual experiences unfolding around us. I’ll say it again: expectations can steal your joy. They can cause us to struggle to find joy in the simple things in life.
Empty Nester Expectations
When our kids were little, it was natural for us to set expectations — we guided their choices, protected their hearts, and helped shape their futures. But once they’re adults, continuing to place expectations on them (even well-intentioned ones!) can strain the relationship. To your adult kids, expectations can feel like pressure.
Our grown children need the freedom to make their own choices — and sometimes their paths won’t look like the ones we pictured. When we release our expectations, we give them space to become who God designed them to be, not who we hoped they’d be. And that frees us, too! Letting go allows us to replace disappointment with curiosity, control with trust, and anxiety with peace — knowing that God is still at work in their lives, just as He is in ours.
Simply put, placing expectations on our adult kids simply isn’t fair. You’re not in charge of them and you’re not in charge of their lives. You’re in charge of yours. Instead of placing expectations on them, consider placing them on yourself. Here’s an example of what I mean by that: When my adult kids are home (even for a short visit), I place two simple expectations on myself:
- To make our home a place they love to come back to—warm, safe, and fun.
- To create an environment where they feel heard and built up by my words and actions. I want them to leave feeling encouraged, valued, and loved.
Do I always get it right? No. But keeping those expectations focused on me (not them), it frees my kids from pressure and helps me focus on what really matters.
I’m only in charge of myself. That’s it. I’m accountable to the Lord for my actions, attitudes, and words. Not anyone else’s actions, attitudes, and words. I’m going to surrender everyone and everything else. into the Lord’s capable hands! Bob and I call this “palms up” living. Keep reading to find out more!
How to Cope
So what can you do? How can you halt the expectations before they descend into disappointment, only to be followed by jealousy, resentment, and eventually, bitterness?
How to Deal With Expectations
When you realized you’ve placed expectations on someone, or how something unfolds (the perfect Christmas or Thanksgiving, for example), or …fill in the blank here, remember that God is the creator of the universe, He made all things, sustains all things, and is fully in charge of every beat of your heart, so you can rest in that assurance. You’re not really in charge of anything except your mindset, your behavior, your words, and your attitude!
When worries, expectations, or disappointments crowd in, try this: physically put your hands out in front of you and turn your palms up. Surrender your expectations, your disappointments. Surrender your people, your situation, and your circumstances to the Lord. He is more than capable of handling all of it.
- Colossians 1:16–17 – “For in Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible… all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.”
- Hebrews 1:3 – “The Son is sustaining all things by His powerful word.”
- Psalm 103:19 – “The Lord has established His throne in heaven, and His kingdom rules over all.”
- Isaiah 45:12 – “It is I who made the earth and created mankind on it. My own hands stretched out the heavens; I marshaled their starry hosts.”
- Job 12:10 – “In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.”
- Proverbs 19:21 – “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
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How to Deal With Disappointment
If you’re feeling disappointed—whether it’s about grandkids, your kids’ choices, or something else entirely—it might be time to take a closer look at your expectations. Ask yourself: Am I disappointed because of my circumstances, or because of the expectations I placed on them?
Here are a few shifts that have helped me:
- Pray it out. Live palms up. Pray palms up. Ask God to help you let go of expectations and trust His timing for your kids’ lives or whatever else you’re struggling to accept.
- Choose gratitude. Focus on what you do have—health, friendships, purpose, and the blessings of today. Gratitude is a joy multiplier.
- Refocus your role. Your job isn’t to script your adult kids’ lives. It’s to love, bless, and encourage them right where they are. Even if life doesn’t look the way you thought it would, stay faithful. Your love, encouragement, and prayers matter more than you know.
- Release comparison. Looking at someone else’s story (especially on social!) almost always leaves us feeling less-than. Your story is unique — and you are worth celebrating.
- Choose Humility. Has it ever occurred to you that you or your behavior may be the cause of someone else’s disappointment? When you’re feeling let down by others, know that someone, at some time, has probably been let down by you. Does it feel unfair that others placed expectations on you? Acknowledge that you’ve probably done the same thing to them at some point!
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” — Ephesians 2:10
Letting Go and Living with Joy
Your worth and purpose aren’t tied to whether you’re a grandmother, how often your kids visit, or how family life looks right now. Disappointment and expectations often go hand in hand in the empty nest. But they don’t have to define you or your experience. It’s time to refocus your heart and mind on what really matters.
Your kids’ journeys may look different from what you pictured—and that’s okay. When we hold our plans loosely (palms, up, friends!), it gives God space to surprise us with blessings we never expected. Don’t let the focus on those expectations rob you of the ability to seek out everyday joys.
What expectations are you holding onto that might be stealing your joy? Write them down, pray over them, and ask God to help you entrust them to Him. In their place, choose gratitude for the blessings already in your life.
Your life and your empty nest don’t have to look like anyone else’s to be beautiful, purposeful, and joy-filled. There is a proven link between joy, happiness, and gratitude! When you let go of unrealistic expectations and choose gratitude, you’ll find peace and contentment right where you are.
SHOP THE POST
This was exactly what I needed to hear this morning! Thank you for this article
Xx
Kelley,
You’re so welcome. We ALL struggle with this issue! You’re not alone, sweet girl. Praying for you!
xoxo
Suzy
I love this post so much!! Thank you for sharing the two expectations you put on yourself when your kids are home – I’m going to adopt those!
With our second daughter getting married this past summer, we’re now in full-on empty nest mode, and I’ve seen my expectations around family time creeping up. I’d been trying to plan the perfect family trip for next year, and was putting a lot of emotional energy into it. I was praying for God to guide my planning, and He answered through my husband, who gave me wise advice when I asked for it!
We’ve now come up with an easy, breezy plan 🙂 with a shorter, less expensive trip, which he and I will enjoy, regardless of who is able to join us. It will be the perfect starter trip for us and our adult children to do together.
I’m seeking to cultivate both gratitude and contentment these days, so thank you for the encouragement in that direction!
Tracey,
I’m so glad you caught yourself before it was too late! I’ve found that if I can catch myself when I’m forming expectations, I can pray, adjust, and work through it before I get caught in the downward trajectory of disappointment, jealousy, resentment, and bitterness. Once you get there, it’s hard to get back!
The Lord is over all. Knowing that He’s firmly in control is the gateway to peace, and opening our eyes and thanking Him for His gifts along the way is the key to living each day with joy!
I’m so glad you made adjustments to that family vacation! You’re going to have a great time!
xoxo
Suzy
What a blessing you are! My son is proposing TOMORROW! We are thrilled but there is uncertainty on how to navigate this new chapter. Your words are so wise. I’ll be keeping my palms up!
Susan,
Ohhhh! Excitement! You’re entering into a sweet new chapter, and I’m thrilled for you. But, YES! Expectations will enter your heart and mind and it’s so good you’re aware of them, sweet mama!
Check out my post When Someone New Enters the Nest (https://emptynestblessed.com/2025/06/25/new-to-the-nest/), and get started on the right foot!
Congratulations to your entire family! SO joyful for you!
xoxo
Suzy
I’m going to try my post once more. Don’t think I took the correct steps to do so before. This post reminded me of a teacher friend years ago, who was also my prayer partner. She would tell me, “Open up your hands and lift them up to the Lord”. She would check with me mid week to see if I had closed my hands to take back my concerns. Right now I have concerns about a dear sister-in-law and a sweet cousin. Thus, I need to remember to “LIVE PALMS UP”. Thank you!
Helen,
Thank you for making the effort to leave this comment! Sorry you had a hard time the first go-round! Yes! HE is capable of handling all of our concerns. Our worry won’t change the outcome. Proverbs 19:21 is my favorite verse on this topic!
Thanks for sharing your concerns. I’ll stop and pray about them right now! I’m grateful for your comment, Helen.
xoxo
Suzy
Sweet Suzy~ You have NO IDEA how much I needed this post! I’ve been struggling for awhile & have wanted to reach out to someone, but just didn’t know who to talk to. This post humbled me & brought to light some things about myself that I need to work on. Ironically, my Bible app devo/plan is touching on the same thing. I believe God is trying to speak to me! 😉 Thank you so very much for this post. I’m definitely going to try the “hands-up” approach-God can take it! May God bless you, Suzy.
Amy,
Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know! I am so, so happy the Lord used this in your life. We all struggle with this sometimes, but it’s scary how quickly it can take hold if we’re not careful! I’m right there with you, my friend!
Palms up!
xoxo
Suzy
Suzy, you speak the Truth!
Wonderful scripture references…thank you for encouraging all of us in the joyful and sometimes challenging Empty Nest!
Kellie,
Aw! Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to be obedient to what the Lord leads me to share. (That’s why I wrote my book!) So often, it’s targeted at me! This is something we all struggle with, and I’m so glad it was a blessing to you. Please consider sharing it with others! It’s the kindest compliment you can give me!
You were so kind to take the time to let me know this post blessed you. Thank you!
xoxo
Suzy
Suzy, you went above and beyond on this article. I’m not sure you realize how many people you have helped with your advice. You taught me how to be happy regardless of my circumstances. I will be re-reading this article many times so I don’t forget a word of it. Thank you so much, you are such a blessing.
Judy,
Thank you so much for your kind words! They meant so much to me! This was a convicting post to write! Lots of prayer and rewrites went into this one! Please share it with others if you think they could benefit. So many of us struggle with this – it’s truly a universal problem!
If you like this, you’ll enjoy my book! (Especially the last (largest) section on parenting adult kids! You can order it HERE: https://amzn.to/42Cdrwf
Thanks again, sweet Judy! I’m praying for you!
xoxo
Suzy
Thanks, Suzy, excellent post! Great tips & Bible verses, which I have printed out to focus on. I shared this post with a friend too. Palms up when those feelings appear!!
Brenda,
YES! Palms up, indeed! You’ve got this, girl! Keep your heart and mind focused on the Word and do your best to catch those thoughts and expectations before they take root. That’s what I’m working on. (Every day!)
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment! Please feel free to pass this post along or share it with others. You can use the social media icons at the bottom of the post if you want to share it on social media. Sharing ENB with others is the kindest compliment you can give me!
xoxo
Suzy
I love God’s timing! I am currently a bit of a mess, but not beyond His loving reach to help me sort through the mess, deal with the unrealistic expectations, and bring on the clearer thinking.❤️ Thank you for this post. I have taken notes and plan on answering the hard questions, writing them down and praying “palms up” over all of it. Thanks again!
Oh, Laura!
Thank you for letting me know. I will be praying for you. This struggle with expectations and disappointment is truly universal! The key is to stop it as fast as you can and not let it take hold!
Know that I’m working on it right alongside you!
Please consider sharing the post with others if you feel like it could help them. That would mean so much to me. Also, if you enjoyed the post, you’ll like the Parenting Adult Kids section of my book! You can order it here: https://amzn.to/42Cdrwf
Hugs to you and thank you, again, for your kind comment!
xoxo
Suzy
Good stuff and great reminders. Part of it is that we lose our purpose and place that on the kids. To fulfill us. That’s what I did. It’s hard. Palms up. Love that.
Once I too realized my purpose again like you did – gosh it helped. I had been disappointed that the kids weren’t initiating getting together and a few other resentments. And that led to me thinking they didn’t want to be with us. And the truth is they do! But they are busy and I have the time to plan and invite and they love to come! Random thoughts really steal! Bc mostly they’re just not true.
Thanks for this post. 😎
Marcy,
You are so wise! I totally agree! I remind myself that I’m setting an example for my adult kids of what a vital and engaged life looks like at this age. I hope that makes me interesting to them. 😄 It’s so easy to keep in touch now with texting, Facetime, etc! They still need our encouragement and listening ears!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
xoxo
Suzy
My disappointments have been in my adult children’s ungodly life choices when they were raised to know Jesus and know better. All the hopes I had for them are out the window. I can’t fix it, and it’s been years of praying, dealing, supporting, keeping up a loving relationship, etc. Discouraging for sure and hard to just let it go and move forward cheerfully with things unfixed. Thank you for the encouragement and the verses to help me keep trying.
Mom Doe,
My heart hurts for you, sweet mama. This pain is unimaginable.
Keep praying and stay the course. Our God is faithful, and He loves them so. They are watching you. Is your love unconditional, as His is? Do you love them despite what they do, as He does? The Lord is near you in your pain, and their story isn’t over yet.
Hugs to you. Please know I’m praying for you.
Everyone who sees this comment, please join me in praying for this sweet sister and friend.
xoxo
Suzy
You always frame things so well. I just wrote a blog article on this very thing! It’s can be a challenging time but God is faithful! https://women.pcacdm.org/the-antidote-to-unmet-expectations-this-thanksgiving/
Kerry,
Thank you for your kind words. Your post was so good. Thanks for sharing it with me.
Grateful for you!
xoxo
Suzy