How to be the Best Mother-in-Law You Can Be | My Ten “Rules”
I’ve decided that there should definitely be rules for mothers-in-law; or at least some kind of instruction manual! I’ve been a mother-in-law for a few years now, and I can assure you that I’m still learning how to do it. I’m certainly not the perfect mother-in-law, but I adore both of my daughters-in-law, and I work hard to be supportive, generous, thoughtful, kind, and loving in our respective relationships.
Like most worthwhile relationships, being a mother-in-law takes intentionality, thoughtfulness, and effort. Whether you have a wonderful daughter-in-law that makes it easy, or whether your relationship with your daughter-in-law is challenging, I believe that there are a few “rules” you can follow that will help you nurture and grow that relationship.
Today, I’m sharing ten “rules” for mothers-in-law. These “rules” apply whether you have sons or daughters-in-law, but because I only have daughters-in-law so far, I will primarily refer to that relationship throughout this post.
1. It’s Not About You
The first thing to remember is that it’s not about you. You have been replaced as the primary woman in your son or daughter’s life. Step aside with grace! The couple comes first.
Research shows that good in-law relationships are a key determinant of marital happiness. That means how you treat your daughter-in-law or son-in-law can help or harm your child. When a young adult marries, it’s another step toward independence and adulthood. (Remember, this is what you worked to prepare them for!)
Unfortunately, some parents can feel rejection when their child’s loyalties turn toward their spouse. Maybe your son used to ask you for fashion advice, and now he defers to his wife, or your daughter used to ask for decorating advice, and now she’s looking to her husband for his opinions. Try reframing any feelings of rejection you might feel. This is appropriate and healthy behavior for a married couple!
2. Honor their Commitment to One Another
Your kids and their spouses need to make their own choices. This will undoubtedly be true in everything from financial decisions to parenting choices. Do not interpret their choices as a rejection of yours. The day they got married, they became their very own family unit. It’s important to honor that and let them establish their own identity as a family/couple. (Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about them!)
3. Be Intentional
If you want a good relationship with your daughter-in-law or son-in-law, it will take some effort. When my son married, Sarah, I (only half-jokingly) told her that his table manners weren’t perfect, and I was grateful to hand over the reins for her to take it from here! Be warm, welcoming, and friendly. My own mother-in-law did this well. The first time I spent Christmas with Bob’s family, I was amazed that I got the same number of Christmas gifts as everyone else! It sent a message of inclusion that no mere words could.
4. Build Them Up
Words are powerful. Use them to bless, encourage, and build your relationship. Our daughter-in-law, Sarah, is an only child who was raised by incredible parents. They did an amazing job. She’s a teacher, and she’s gentle, loving, and kind. (Yes, all of her students are in love with her!) I take every opportunity to ask about Sarah’s life, upbringing, family, job, friends, church, etc., and I always follow up with a compliment. (“Do you think the parents of the kids in your class realize how blessed they are to have you teaching their children?”)
5. Give It Time
Even if it seems that you and your daughter-in-law have little in common, you share one critical thing: You both love your son more than anyone else! As an only child, Sarah was raised in a calm, quiet environment. Abby was raised with one sister. When these women married into our family, they married into all of the noise and chaos accompanying a family of five. Be sensitive to adjustments like these and to the family dynamics that are at play.
One of our daughters-in-law, Sarah, had always wanted a little sister, and my daughter, Becca, had always wanted a big sister. I encouraged their relationship by urging them to do things together, even if it meant I was left at home alone😕, wishing I was with them! (Remember, it’s not about you!) Now they’re great friends! I’m grateful for the wise advice Becca gets from both of her sisters-in-law whenever they spend time together!
This can be especially challenging if your daughter-in-law marries into a family with an already close mother/daughter relationship. It’s up to you as the mother-in-law to set the tone and example by inviting your new “daughter” into the family with love. One of my friends has three daughters and one son. When her son got engaged, she gathered her daughters together and laid the “ground rules” for welcoming the new daughter-in-law into the family. She reminded her daughters to be inclusive, welcoming, and non-judgemental and told them she would not tolerate gossip or criticism of this girl who was (bravely!) entering into what could be a challenging family dynamic.
6. Back Off
A young marriage has its share of issues to work through, and your kids don’t need another party involved in their relationship. If they come to you for advice, or even just a listening ear, proceed carefully, knowing that anything you say can and probably will be reported to the spouse at some point. Guard your tongue!
One of my friends didn’t like the way her new daughter-in-law seemed to boss her son around, but she told me she just had to trust the way she’d raised him and know that he’d push back if needed—without her help.
When I married my husband, I suspect my mother-in-law thought the same thing about me!😬 Sensing this, one day, I told her that, although she might not like everything she saw in me, I wanted her to know that no one would ever love her son more than I would.🩷
7. Always Invite & Include
Whether your relationship with your daughter-in-law is strong or needs work, make it a point to invite and include the couple in family events. (Although there may be a few exceptions to this, it’s generally the right thing to do.) When you start leaving people out, there’s potential for hurt feelings or resentment. We always invite our kids and their spouses to join us for something that involves other family members, like performances, graduations, birthday celebrations, etc. This is true whether or not we think they want to attend, live out of town, etc. Our motto is, “Let the “no” be theirs to say. Our job is to invite and include.“
8. Be Generous
When Bob and I first got married, my parents told us that whenever we came to visit them, they would pay for it. Wow! As poor newlyweds, this was such a generous offer, and it allowed us to use the money we’d budgeted for vacations to do other things while getting family visits in as well. As in-laws, we try to be generous with our adult kids. Sometimes, that generosity is financial, but many times it’s not. Here’s what it’s looked like at various times over the past few years:
- “Sure, we’d love to help you move!
- “It would be so fun for us to keep your puppy while you go out of town!”
- “We miss you guys! How about a double date so we can catch up on what’s been going on with you two? Our treat!”
- “I’d love to give you a ride to pick up your car in the shop. It will give us a chance to chat!”
- “It’s no problem for us to take you to the airport and pick you up when you return. That way, we can hear all about your trip!”
Did you notice the enthusiasm in each of those statements? The bonus for us is time with them. It’s a win-win.🙌
9. Be Yourself and Let Your Guard Down
As in any new relationship, it’s normal to be on your best behavior at first. But nothing is more endearing than vulnerability and authenticism, so at some point, you’ll have to be yourself. As you can see, both of my daughters-in-law are natural beauties. Me? Let’s just say that it takes a while for me to coax my natural beauty into emerging!😂
Make it a point to notice and express appreciation for what your daughter-in-law brings to the family. When it comes time to make big family meals, I’m so grateful for the kitchen skills of both of my daughters-in-law, which far surpass my own! I tell them that constantly!
10. Don’t Make Assumptions
Even when intentions are good, offers of help can be seen as criticism. One of my friends told me that after she had a baby, her mother-in-law offered to clean out her refrigerator and organize her pantry. Even though she welcomed the help, the “offer” felt like a criticism of her homemaking abilities. Tread carefully! Even though you’re more experienced and may have good advice to give, hold off on sharing until you’re asked.
A few years ago, Bob and I went on vacation with Weston and Sarah. Before we left, we sat down with them and thoroughly discussed plans, expectations, activities, etc. It was so helpful! We loved having them all to ourselves, and having the four of us in one condo for a week strengthened and solidified our relationship.
Are you a mother-in-law? I’d love to know your tips! Do you have any additions to my rules for mothers-in-law? Please leave me a comment and share your wisdom!
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Suzy, thank you so much for posting this! Having an only-child son who is dating this post was helpful and fun. It gave me ideas I never thought of. Great advice I will definitely use.
Melissa,
Oh, how special! Yes! Lay the groundwork now for a sweet relationship to come! Any girl would be so blessed to have you for a mother-in-law!
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment!
Xoxo
Suzy
Hi Suzy! This is a great post! You have touched on many of these points in previous posts about how our relationship with our children needs to change as they become adults, and this is such a great encouragement that expands on that with our young in-laws. I know that I am the type who wants to “help” when we go to visit our far-away children, but I need to be careful that my “help” isn’t taken as a judgement on their housekeeping skills!! I’m definitely the one to want to deep clean the kitchen, so I have learned to ask first what “help” might really be wanted. I never really though about it offending my daughters or being a judgement on their habits. I have been more careful over the years now. And…. the subject of how they raise and train our grandchildren is a whole other area that we need to stay out of as much as possible!! 🙂
I agree with all you say about offering to spend time together on their turf, treating them financially, when possible, and being there for them in times of moving, sickness, etc. In our maturity, I think it’s so wise to take the backseat role sometimes and let our adult children shine!
Thanks for your thoughtful suggestions and help in this area of our lives. It’s a very important one that has effects for years to come in our relationships!
I hope you are having a lovely Spring! Betsie
Betsie,
I’m always grateful for your wise words and encouragement, Betsie, and ALL ENB followers benefit whenever you chime in with your pearls of wisdom! Thank you. You are one experienced mama, and I’m so grateful for your input on this topic!
Thanks so much for taking the time to share! I’m grateful for you!
xoxo
Suzy
Thanks for the kind words, Suzy! You’re such a blessing to me and others!
xoxo Betsie
Suzy, this is a great post and reminded me of some things that I can do better as a mother-in-law to my precious son-in-law. Thank you for your thoughtful insight!
Aw, Kelley,
You’re so welcome! We’re ALL working on things in this area! I’m so glad you found this helpful! We’re all in it together, Mama!
I so appreciate you for sharing!
xoxo
Suzy
Thank you for this! I have an only child – a son and he has found his true love but they are still in college. It’s his first and only girlfriend. I try to do the things you’ve listed above and have no idea if I’m being too pushy or too “much”. We adore her and he has chosen well. I will bookmark this for future reference.
God bless you, Suzy!
Susan
Susan,
I hope you’re honest with them about your efforts! I do try to be open with my daughters-in-law about how special I think they are and how much I appreciate how well they love my sons! Let them know you’re trying! It will be a big encouragement!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
xoxo
Suzy
I have found that when I send short texts now and then to say hello and check in with my daughter-in-law of 2 years, this has deepened our relationship. If my son is on a business trip, I’ll sometimes call to chat with her, making sure to be respectful of her time and keep the conversation brief if that is what I sense she wants.
I try to remember things she tells me and then send a short text to see how things turned out. I make her favorite meals and desserts! She seems to appreciate this. Listen more than you talk!
Also, there has been the rare occasion where my daughter-in-law and I have been alone while my son and other family members are elsewhere, and I am intentional with planning something for the two of us that I think she will enjoy, and then check my ideas with her and modify where needed so our time together is something she enjoys.
Discovering we both love to read, we will recommend books to each other, and then have our own book discussion club of 2 to share our thoughts over the phone since she lives far away.
This certainly has been beneficial to our relationship. I love her for herself and because she loves my son.
Kathy,
What fabulous, practical ideas! I love your intentionality and thoughtfulness. What I especially appreciate is that everything you’re describing puts her above yourself. You are prioritizing her, and I love that!
Thank you so much for sharing your ideas with our little community! I know everyone learned from you!
xoxo
Suzy
What wonderful advice! I wish my MIL had it when I got married and even now, many years later. I’ve always had a difficult time with her and been determined to do better when it’s my turn. Now, my oldest has a serious boyfriend so I’m secretly practicing LOL.
I laughed about the story of the friend who offered to help clean her DIL’s kitchen. When I had my first baby, my MIL offered to come over and hold her so *I* could cook and clean. Not helpful at all!! (And I declined that offer!) I think sons-in-law are easier for us moms in many ways…and I hope so since I only have daughters! 🙂 Thanks for these great tips! You are very blessed, but you have reaped what you’ve sown!
Aw Rebecca,
Thank you so much for your kind words! There are always things we can do to improve, and I’m no different! My daughters-in-law are both such sweet girls! I know I have a BIG personality, and I have to remember to dial it down sometimes when I’m with them! 😂
I know you’re going to do great with your future sons-in-law. Your husband is on the hook for that somewhat too! It will mean so much to your daughters to see you working hard at building those relationships! I know you’re going to do great!
xoxo
Suzy
Suzy,
I loved this article! So many great tips. I am a Mom of 5 girls and one boy. My oldest two daughters are married to wonderful men and have blessed me with 4 Grandsons (so far)! These tips can work for both daughter in laws and son in laws but thought it might be fun for some husbands to chime in on how they include and support their new son in laws. After all, these are two whole different sets of emotions and expectations! Also, your husband should chime in on how he shows his love and appreciation for his new Daughters!
I always love your articles. You are a wealth of info and advice that I love receiving in my inbox!
Cassie,
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so glad you find it helpful!
Bob likes to stay BTS and behind the camera (he’s my photographer!), but I’ll ask him if he might consider it! He focuses on encouraging our sons as they learn to be great husbands, dads, homeowners, businessmen, etc. He’s a great example to them, and they don’t hesitate to call on him when they need wise counsel.
Thanks so much for your comment and for following me! It means so much to me.
xoxo
Suzy
Suzy, this is a beautiful list of ways to build better relationships with our children in their married/family lives! What about when children are scattered across the country and travel isn’t always an option for some older parents?
What to do when the in-laws are not inclusive and take charge planning family events, etc? We average a few days/year visit with our children and our grands, if we’re lucky.
We have always been a close family and are loving, caring and encouraging. We can’t pay for expensive trips, cars, homes, etc for our adult children (as our daughter-in-love’s parents have — their choice — that’s fine), but there are plenty of things we can do. We feel we’ve been ‘cancelled’ due to this, and likely because of our Christian beliefs.
I’d love to read an article or post sharing your encouraging words for those of us in challenging (less than ideal) circumstances who would love to build stronger, better relationships as in-laws. There are many of us out here!
Thanks so much for all you share!
Anna,
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so very sorry you are hurting.
I would encourage you to check out some of my other content on parenting adult kids. (You can find it HERE: https://emptynestblessed.com/category/parenting/)
You’ll find posts on How to Stay Close to Adult Kids Living Far Away (https://emptynestblessed.com/2023/10/09/stay-close-adult-kids/), How to Have Meaningful Conversations With Adult Kids (https://emptynestblessed.com/2022/09/28/meaningful-conversations-adult-kids/), 8 Practical Ways to Be a Great Parent to Your Adult Kids (https://emptynestblessed.com/2021/08/09/great-parent-adult-kids/), and much more.
Despite what it seems, no one’s situation is perfect (including my own), and many are far from ideal. But there ARE things you can do to improve your relationship with your adult kids. Stay humble and stay on your knees, sweet Mama.
xoxo
Suzy
Loved your post and great tips. We are very lucky to have two great DIL’s and one great SIL and have wonderful relationships with them. We get together to do things with each family several times as well as try to get us all together once a year if possible since we don’t all live close. And, thank goodness for FaceTime.
Barb,
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so happy the post was a blessing to you! You sound like a wonderful MIL and your DILs & SIL are lucky to have you!
xoxo
Suzy