10 Ways to Help When Adult Children Are Struggling (or in Crisis)

Whether your adult kids are dealing with a bad breakup, an injury, or illness, or even something as traumatic as the death of a friend or spouse, as parents, we desperately want to help. What is the best way to help when your adult children are struggling or even in a time of crisis?

Oh, y’all! We’ve all been there, feeling that mix of worry and helplessness as we watch our grown kids navigate the moments of joy and pain that come with adulthood. Today, I’m sharing some practical advice that will help you comfort and support them when the time comes.

1. Stay Connected

It almost goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway! One of the keys to helping your adult kids when they’re in crisis is to stay connected in the normal course of life. Do they have a big presentation coming up at work? Mark the date on your calendar and text them that morning to let them know you are praying for them or thinking of them. One of my kids hates to fly, so I try to remember to text him every time I know he’s getting on a plane. Staying in touch on a regular basis will build your relationship, and make you the natural person for them to reach out to when tough times come their way.

2. Listen Without Judgement

When youre adult children are struggling, one of the most powerful things you can do is simply listen. When your adult child comes to you with their struggles, create a safe space for them to share. Put aside distractions, make eye contact, and really listen. As a parent, one of the biggest temptations in this situation is to jump in with solutions or advice. Instead, let them vent and feel heard. Sometimes when my daughter calls to share a struggle with me, she tells me in advance that she just needs me to “hold the bucket.”

3. Reflect Their Feelings

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15

When one of your adult children is in crisis, one of the most powerful things you can do is simply to empathize and reflect back their feelings in a genuine way. If they’re crying and you feel teary too, cry with them.

4. Don’t Make It About You

When your adult child is struggling or in a time of crisis, don’t say, “I know exactly how you feel” or tell them about the time something similar happened to you. You may be trying to establish rapport or let them know that you understand their feelings, but, trust me, you don’t.

Likewise, don’t avoid the topic of their struggle because:

• You don’t know what to say;
• You’re uncomfortable;
• You’re afraid you’ll say the wrong thing;
• You’re afraid you’ll make them more upset.

If you avoid the topic, you’re really making their crisis about you and your uncomfortableness! Remember that silence is rarely interpreted in a positive way. If you don’t say anything, you run the risk that they’ll see your silence as a lack of caring.

5. Pray for Them

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:5-7

Whether they’re struggling or not, praying for your adult children is the most crucial thing you can do for them. For more on how I pray for my adult children, click HERE.

In the simplest of terms, prayer is talking with God. Talk to Him from your heart and be honest. He already knows you (and your adult children’s struggles) deeply, and He loves you more than you can imagine! For more on how to pray, check out THIS article.

6. Respect Their Independence

As much as we want might want to swoop in and fix everything when our adult children are struggling, it’s crucial to respect their autonomy. They need to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes. Offer advice when asked, but ultimately, let them take the lead.

7. Help Practically

My mother-in-law coined the phrase “the ministry of presence,” and it has become a standard phrase in our family! It means if you can physically go, then go. Be present physically. When my adult daughter tore ligaments in her ankle and had to be non-weight-bearing for a week, I dropped what I was doing and flew to another state to help her. I drove her back and forth to work, cleaned her house, did her laundry, and cooked.

If you can’t go in person, consider sending a pre-made meal delivery service like Blue Apron, Green Chef, or Spoonful of Comfort (great for illness). Flowers or a plant are never wrong either! I use and trust 1-800 Flowers and 1-800Baskets.

8. If You’re Not Sure How to Help, Ask!

One of the worst things you can say when anyone is struggling is, “If there’s anything I can do, let me know!” Often when people are in crisis, they can’t even think of or articulate what would be helpful. If you’re not sure how to help and they’re not asking, consider making suggestions!

• “May I bring a meal?” (Sometimes just dropping it off is the best and kindest thing you can do.)
• “May I help with the kids?”
• “May I take your dogs to my house so you don’t have to worry about caring for them right now?”
• “I’m heading to the grocery store. What can I pick up for you?”

When your adult children are struggling, it’s crucial to take a step back and ask them how you can help, rather than assuming you know what they need. This shows respect for them as adults! As parents, our instinct is to rush in and fix everything, but often, what they truly need may surprise us.

By simply asking something like “How can I best support you right now?” we show respect. Approaching them like this demonstrates your trust in their ability to navigate their own challenges.

9. Utilize Helpful Resources if Necessary

If your adult child is dealing with a really serious crisis (think a life-threatening diagnosis, a hospitalization, or the sudden death of a loved one), consider using one of these helpful online resources.

• SignupGenius – When a friend’s daughter had a c-section and delivered a preemie, the new mama couldn’t drive to visit the baby in the NICU. Her church friends used SignupGenius and organized rides to the hospital for her every day.
• CaringBridge – When my friend’s daughter was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, her mom set up a CaringBridge account for the family and offered to write weekly updates. It was a way others could keep in touch, pray for her daughter, and it gave them a place to refer people who wanted updates. (It also helped limit the number of texts they were all getting.)

10. Stay Engaged

Even after a crisis has passed, the struggle can be ongoing! Regular check-ins can provide continuing support without being intrusive. A simple text or phone call can let them know you’re there for them and you’re thinking about them. Consider a porch drop off if they live nearby! Drop off their favorite Starbucks order or some flowers from your garden on their porch and text them to let them know there’s a surprise outside.]

Supporting our adult children through their struggles is part of the beautiful, lifelong role of being a parent. With love and empathy, we can come alongside them in a helpful way as they navigate life’s challenges.

How do you offer help and support when your adult children are struggling? I’d love to know. Please share your tips with our little community in the comments. Thank you!