How to Support Your Spouse During a Hard Time in the Empty Nest

Hi, friends! It’s Beth here, Suzy’s assistant. Last year, my husband, Randy, lost his job. He was in his early 50s and had been with the same company for more than 25 years. We were already empty nesters, and honestly, this was not something either of us saw coming. He ended up being unemployed for almost a year.

Thankfully, he has a new job now, but walking through that season together made me think a lot about what it really means to support your spouse when life gets hard, especially in the empty nest. Suzy and I talked about it often while we were going through it, and she encouraged me to share what I learned in hopes it might encourage or help someone else walking through a hard season with their spouse. That resulted in this post!

When our kids were still at home, we focused so much of our attention on them. There were school schedules, sports, activities, meals, and all the everyday things that come with raising a family. In the empty nest, it’s different. Suddenly, it’s just the two of you again, and when one spouse is going through something difficult, there aren’t as many distractions around you. You feel it differently.

Of course, hard seasons in the empty nest can look like a lot of things. It may be losing a parent, facing a health scare, dealing with job loss, financial stress, or something else entirely. I definitely didn’t handle every moment perfectly, and I’m certainly not an expert. But there are a few things I learned during that year that I think apply to many of the hard seasons couples face in the empty nest.

5 Ways to Help Your Spouse Through a Difficult Time

1. Be Present and Really Listen

This sounds simple, but I think it can be one of the hardest things to do. When someone we love is hurting, our natural instinct is often to try to make it better. We start offering suggestions, looking for solutions, or telling them what we think they should do. I know I do this!

But sometimes your spouse doesn’t need you to fix anything. They just need you to listen. Whether they’re grieving, worried about their health, discouraged about work, or dealing with another difficult situation, give them room to talk without making them feel like they need to have everything figured out. Sometimes simply being there and listening is enough. And I think this can be especially important in the empty nest. When it’s just the two of you at home, you really do become one another’s sounding board in a different way.

2. Help in Practical Ways

When someone is going through a hard time, even normal everyday things can feel like a lot. This is where small acts of help can make a big difference. Maybe you take care of dinner, run an errand, handle something around the house, go along to a doctor’s appointment, or take one thing off their to-do list.

When Randy was looking for a new job, there were times I could help with practical things and times when there really wasn’t anything I could do to change the situation. I learned that support doesn’t always have to be something big. Sometimes it’s just finding small ways to make their day a little easier.

3. Let Them Handle It in Their Own Way

This matters because we don’t all deal with hard things the same way. One person may want to talk about something over and over. Me 🙋‍♀️! Another may need a little space before they’re ready to talk at all. You may want to make a plan right away while your spouse needs time to process what happened.

That doesn’t mean either person is handling it the wrong way. Try to pay attention to what your spouse actually needs instead of assuming they’ll respond the same way you would. Giving them the space to work through things in their own way can be one of the best ways to support them.

After being married for many years, you probably know your spouse pretty well. But a hard season can still teach you new things about how they handle stress, disappointment, fear, and uncertainty.

4. Keep Encouraging Them

Hard seasons can be discouraging, especially when there isn’t a quick solution. There can be a lot of waiting. Waiting for test results. Waiting for a job opportunity. Waiting for things to feel normal again. Waiting for the grief to feel a little less heavy. A year was a long time when you’re waiting for the right job to come along.

There were definitely days when Randy was discouraged. I couldn’t tell him when the right opportunity would happen, and I didn’t want to give him some big pep talk every time he had a hard day. Sometimes encouragement was simply reminding him that I believed in him, that I loved him, and that we were going to get through it together.

I think that matters so much in the empty nest. Your spouse may be facing changes to their career, health, parents, or identity at a time when life already looks very different than it did ten or twenty years ago. Sometimes they just need to know that the person beside them is still firmly in their corner.

5. Find Little Moments of Normal and Joy

When something hard is happening, it can start to take over everything. Every conversation becomes about the problem. Every decision seems connected to it. It can feel like there isn’t room for anything else. But I think it’s important to keep doing some of the normal things you enjoy together.

Go for a walk. Watch a funny show. Meet friends for dinner. Pick up your favorite takeout. Do something that gives you both a little break. It doesn’t mean you’re ignoring what’s happening. It just means the hard thing doesn’t have to be the only thing happening in your life.

I think this is one of the gifts of the empty nest, too. You have the opportunity to turn toward each other and be intentional about your relationship.

Suzy talks often about the importance of turning toward your spouse instead of away from them, and I thought about that a lot during this season. When life feels heavy, it can be easy to retreat into your own worry or frustration. But those little moments of connection can keep you from drifting apart when you need each other most.

Disney is our happy place, and during a hard season, getting away and doing something we both enjoyed gave us some much-needed moments of fun and normalcy.

A Little Reminder for the Supporting Spouse, Too

One thing I don’t think we talk about enough is how hard it can be to be the spouse doing the supporting. You’re going through it too. During that year, I was worried about Randy, but I was also worried about us. I wondered how long he would be out of work. I worried about our finances. I even wondered if I would need to leave my job working with Suzy and find a full-time job. I didn’t always share every one of those worries with Randy because I knew he was already carrying enough. But they were still there.

That’s something I learned during this season: supporting your spouse doesn’t mean you stop having your own fears and feelings. Give yourself some grace. Talk to someone you trust. Take care of yourself too. And remember that you don’t have to say the perfect thing every time or have all the answers.

Sometimes loving your spouse through a hard season simply means continuing to show up.

I’m very thankful Randy has a new job now, but going through that hard year gave me a new appreciation for this season of marriage. Being empty nesters doesn’t mean the hard parts of life are behind us.

In some ways, the challenges just change. Our kids may not need us in the same day-to-day ways anymore, but now we may be dealing with aging parents, health concerns, career changes, retirement decisions, financial worries, and all kinds of things we didn’t think much about when we were younger.

And through all of it, we still have each other. I think the heart of supporting your spouse is often pretty simple. Be there. Listen. Help where you can. Give them room to work through things in their own way. Keep encouraging them. And when life gets hard, keep choosing to turn toward each other.

If you’ve walked through a hard season with your spouse in the empty nest, I’d love to know what helped you. Share your thoughts in the comments 🩷