New to the Nest: When Someone New Joins the Family

When Sarah joined our family by marrying our middle son, everything changed. And then, a few years later, it happened again. Abby married our eldest, and she became one of us, too. Two new daughters, two new sisters for Becca, two more precious ones to love.

Probably like many of you, Bob and I prayed for our children’s spouses, even before they were born. We knew our job was to raise our kids to be the kind of people their future spouses would need: faithful, kind, selfless, and individuals who love well. Watching our sons choose these two beautiful, godly women filled our hearts with joy and gratitude. We’re so grateful for answered prayer!

Let me tell you, we love these girls. Sarah and Abby are as lovely inside as they are out, and both have brought such grace and joy into our family. As a mom, there’s no greater gift than watching your child be loved well, and these two love our sons wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

Many of you have asked how we welcomed our daughters-in-law into the fold! We didn’t do everything perfectly (for sure!), and we’re still learning. But I’m always happy to share what worked for us.

10 Ways to Warmly Welcome Someone New to the Nest

1. Be Welcoming and Inclusive

We’ve always tried to be very intentional about including anyone our kids dated into our family. We invite them to baseball games, holidays, on double dates, etc. After all, when you marry someone, you are really marrying their whole family, for better or worse, right? We figure these poor souls need to know what they’re getting into, for better or worse. 😂

2. Ask the Couples to Share Their “Couple Story“

When the couples were dating, we asked them to share their “story” with us. We asked them to tell us how they first met, what initially attracted them to each other and what they loved the most about each other. Then we shared our couple story with them! There were lots of laughs and sweet moments! It allowed us to tell each girl that we had been praying for them and we were so grateful for them.

3. Became “Students” of Each One

We asked questions. We listened. We learned. We wanted to know their hearts, their enneagrams, what made them laugh, how they celebrated holidays growing up, and what their dreams and ambitions were. It was such a delight to discover how the Lord had been preparing each one for our sons long before the two ever met.

4. Elevate Their Status

Once they were engaged, we started treating these young women like one of our own kids. Think birthday celebrations, individual gifts (yes, girly things!), and stockings with their names hung on the mantle. We prayed for them daily (and continue to do so).

5. Embrace Their Families

Although we began treating them as our own, we did our best to honor their parents and the beautiful job those parents did raising these amazing women. If they lived nearby, we included them in family celebrations (and still do). If not, we traveled to them, and made a genuine effort to get to know them. We thanked them for raising such wonderful young women. When we’re with our daughters-in-law, we always ask about their parents and extended families.

Building these strong in-law family relationships paved the way for a smooth transition to grandparenthood. We have never allowed ourselves to be jealous of the time our grandchildren spend with their other grandparents. Every grandparent/grandchild relationship is individual and unique.

Instead, we’ve focused on gratitude and made it all about the kids. We’re so grateful that our grandchildren have so many people in their lives who love them. (As I write this, Sarah is due in about two months with #2, so I’m including that little boy as I use the plural “grandchildren”!)

6. Encourage Relationships Within the Family

When Sarah joined the family, our daughter was thrilled because she had always wanted a big sister. When Abby came along, the joy only doubled. I encourage the girls’ relationships, nudging them to spend time with each other shopping, lunching, and doing all the things that sisters do. I facilitate that when I can, by participating, treating them as we shop, or babysitting so they can go out together or double date.

7. Be Generous and Open

We gave Sarah and Abby room to belong, both literally and figuratively. Before their weddings, our guest rooms became their rooms, and when they came to visit, I decorated the rooms with their favorite flowers, or pictures of them with our sons.

Once they were married, we offered storage space in our attic, housesitting opportunities, invitations to sporting events, and generally the kind of hospitality that says, “You are always welcome here.”

8. Work to Develop a Friendship

Work to develop a friendship with your children’s significant other individually. I take my daughters-in-law shopping, out to lunch, and more!

Also be intentional about developing a “couple friendship” with your child and their partner. Just like with any of your other couple friends, be fun, engaging, and sincerely interested interested in their lives. We’ve come to truly value the couple friendships we have with our kids and their spouses! We love dining with them, going on walks together, and especially traveling with them.

9. Accept the Fact That Family Dynamics Have Shifted

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. (ESV) – Genesis 2:24 & Ephesians 5:31

Step aside, and know that loyalties and expectations have (appropriately) shifted. That is as it should be. You need to take a (big) step back. If the couple bickers in front of you, leave the room or ignore it. Never step in at the moment it’s occurring or later to defend your child or ask if they’re “okay.” All couples bicker sometimes! Their relationship is between the two of them.

10. Treat the Couple as a Unit

Unless one of them initiates a text, when you text one of them, text them both on a group text. In our family, when I ask just one of them a question (like about making plans, for instance), I always refer to the fact that they will undoubtedly need to consult one another and discuss things before getting back to me.

When it’s Not so Easy

When I told one of my friends that I was writing this blog post, she said we got “lucky” with Sarah and Abby. “But,” she asked, “what happens if you don’t like the person your child chooses?” There have been times that one of our kids has dated someone we weren’t excited about, yet we handled it in much the same way I described above. (It just wasn’t as easy.)

By doing this, when things in the relationship started to go downhill, we could maintain loving and open communication with our adult child. We were invited to share our observations, thoughts, and counsel as the relationship ended. That was a real gift.

Here’s my best advice if you’re struggling in a situation like this. Even if the person is not someone you would have chosen for your child:

1. Focus on what you have in common with them: You both love your child.
2. Know that they may grow on you. Stay open and look for the good in them.
3. Objectively try to see what your child sees in them. Look for the qualities in them that make the couple a good match. How do they balance your child?
4. Appreciate and express gratitude for the way they care for and treat your child. After all, you did the best you could, but you know your child isn’t perfect.
5. If they say something negative about your child, don’t jump in immediately to defend (although instinctively you may want to). Instead, be objective and listen. After all, you may agree with what they say and be able to shed insight by referring to childhood. (“Oh, yes! He was always that way…”)
6. Know that loyalties shift, and anything you say to either your child or their significant other will probably be shared with the other person. Guard your tongue.
7. Understand that the dynamics with extended family may also change when someone new enters the nest. Younger cousins or siblings may feel jealous or even angry. Reassure them and give it time.

Want more tips on building a strong relationship with your adult kids (and their spouses)? Click HERE.

I’d love to know your tips for integrating someone new into your nest. What have you done that worked? Please share your wisdom with our little community in the comments section! And if this post was helpful to you, would you consider sharing it with a friend, family member, or on social media? Use the icons below to share it on social, and copy and email or text this link to share it with others: https://bit.ly/4ehx2X6.