Retirement and Marriage: What I’m Learning Before We Get There
I almost didn’t write this post.
Not because I don’t care about the topic, but because Bob and I are not retired. Not even close. We are probably still six or seven years away, and I never want to pretend to speak from a place I haven’t lived. For a long time, that made me feel like I didn’t have the “right” to say anything at all.
But so many of you have asked for this. And as I’ve sat with that, I’ve realized something important. I may not have experienced retirement yet, but I have lived through enough major transitions to recognize the pattern.
I haven’t experienced my husband’s retirement yet, but I’ve lived enough transitions to know this: the hardest part is rarely the logistics. It’s the reshaping of daily life, identity, and relationship that no one really prepares you for.
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That feels true whether you are thinking about your husband retiring, your own retirement, or both of you stepping into that season together.
Retirement Is a Life Transition, Not Just a Financial One
When we talk about retirement, the conversation often stays in the practical lane. Timelines. Savings. Healthcare. Travel plans. All of that matters, of course, but I’m learning that there is another layer to this transition that doesn’t show up on a spreadsheet.
The empty nest taught me that even when a change is expected and even welcomed, it can still feel disorienting. A season ends, the structure you’ve lived inside for years falls away, and suddenly, there is more space than you know what to do with. That space is a gift, but it also asks questions. Who am I now? What gives my days meaning? What does this next chapter hold?
Retirement seems to carry that same kind of quiet weight. It is not just the end of work. It is the beginning of a new rhythm of life, and rhythms shape more than we realize.
Why Purpose Matters More Than We Think
This is the research that truly stopped me in my tracks.
In 2022, researcher Eric S. Kim and his team found that older adults with the highest sense of purpose had a 46% lower risk of mortality over four years than those with the lowest sense of purpose. That is almost 1.8 times as effective as not smoking or even exercising. Read more about that HERE.
Purpose-driven adults were also less likely to become inactive, less likely to develop sleep problems, and were more protected against cognitive decline and dementia. They even showed signs of reduced biological aging at the cellular level. You can read this study HERE.
In other words, having something to live for may be one of the most powerful wellness tools we have. As I explored in my recent post on Aging Well, a sense of purpose is one of the strongest longevity factors we know.
When I read that, I couldn’t stop thinking about how often our sense of purpose is quietly tied to our work. Our schedules, our titles, our daily responsibilities all hand us structure and meaning, whether we realize it or not. When those things shift or disappear, purpose does not vanish; it simply needs to be chosen more intentionally.
That feels especially important as we look toward retirement, whether it is ours, our spouse’s, or both.
When One or Both of You Retire
For many women, the worry is not just about the word “retirement.” It is about what that word will change in their everyday lives.
Maybe your husband will be home much more than he has ever been. Maybe your routines will shift in ways you cannot quite picture yet. Maybe you are still working while he is ready to slow down, or maybe you are both stepping into something new at the same time. Every situation is different, but the adjustment is real.
I have heard so many women say, “I’m not scared of retirement. I’m scared of what it will change about our days and our dynamic.”
That honesty matters. Change redistributes time. It reshapes energy. It invites new expectations, some spoken and some not. Even good change can require patience as you learn how to share space, redefine roles, and protect the parts of your life that matter most.
What Retirement Can Change in a Marriage
Transitions have a way of revealing what has always been there. The empty nest did that for many of us. When the kids left, we had to rediscover who we were to each other without the busy buffer of family life.
Retirement can create a similar moment. When work no longer structures the day, couples often find themselves spending more time together and navigating new rhythms. That can be deeply bonding, but it can also feel unfamiliar. It invites conversation, grace, and sometimes a fresh understanding of what togetherness and independence look like in this season.
I am learning that strong marriages are not built on sameness, but on shared direction. We are healthiest when we both have purpose beyond each other and choose to walk side by side, not out of obligation, but out of love.
The Questions I’m Sitting With Before We Get There
I don’t have answers yet, but I do have questions I’m holding gently as we look ahead.
What will give our days meaning when work no longer structures them?
What are we moving toward, not just away from?
How will we protect space for individuality while staying deeply connected?
How will we keep growing instead of simply coasting?
These are not fears. They are invitations. They remind me that this next season can be rich, purposeful, and full of life when we enter it thoughtfully.
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Let’s Learn From Each Other
If you are already in this season, I would love to learn from you. What surprised you most about retirement? What has been harder than you expected, and what has been sweeter? What do you wish you had known before you stepped into it?
If retirement is still ahead for you, what questions are quietly living in your heart? Leave me a comment and let me know.
I may not be there yet, but I am grateful to be thinking about it with you. Your stories matter, and together we can encourage one another as we step into what’s next.
GREAT article!! I cannot believe the timing – I read it on my FIRST day of retirement!! Your words are exactly what I’ve felt about retiring. It’s sort of the ‘fear of the unknown’. Thank you for your insightful and comforting article.
Marci,
Aw! Congratulations! This is a huge step for you. I’m so glad the post was a help and encouragement!
I hope you’ll stay in touch and let me know how it’s going. Also, our little community always has the BEST advice! See the comments down below for some great wisdom!
xoxo
Suzy
I’m retired and my husband has a new role at his job that has freed up some of his time, although he has to travel now. However, when we are together he has begun to say, “I’ll come with you shopping.” It is great having his help, and I’m not complaining BUT…I am becoming “used to” his presence and maybe a bit dependent on him to escort me everywhere (and he’s doing the driving). I’m scratching my head wondering how this happened, because when raising the kids I did a lot of things myself. Has anyone else had this happen?
MaryAnn,
Ohhh, I can see how that would happen. (Also, Bob spends a LOT more at the grocery store than I do, just sayin’ – hahaha!) As nice as that is, I love that you’re noticing it and thinking about how to maintain some sense of independence.
Thank you so much for sharing this with our community. It’s truly something I’ve never thought about before! (Which is one of the big reasons I wrote this post.)
xoxo
Suzy
Perhaps a recognition of all you did when raising kids; now this is his way of stepping up.
I’m not there yet but having had conversations in the empty nest this has come up.
Golf! I learned at 55. He played his whole life. I have a group and he has guy friends, so important. And we play together once a week. Our vacations are now active golfing 1-2 rounds, seeing the scenery from beautiful vantage points. It’s fun to watch on TV together. We see each other as fun, rather than old.
J,
Ohhh, thank you for sharing! I love this. I think having a shared activity is so good, and I love that you both have your own groups, but still enjoy doing it together.
Wishing you all the best, and thank you for taking the time to share this!
xoxo
Suzy
We both retired almost 5 years ago. We sold our home, moved 700 miles to be closer to family, into a rental while we had our dream home built. I started taking care of our newborn grandson for 10 months before he went to daycare, edited a book for a friend, moved into our dream home. Then we started to explore our new state and area and landscape our property (my husband did most of this). Then we decided, in December, to move even closer to our family, with a new granddaughter. Another change, another new house (small lot but we will be doing landscaping and gardening soon). I will start taking care of our new granddaughter in April. We found a volunteer opportunity with a group that prepares and delivers meals to 120 people weekly.
It has been an adjustment, for sure. I love to stay home, read, cook, bake, knit, workout, take care of the finances. My husband does most of the errands (we grocery shop together) since I hate to shop. We are still working out “who we are”. We don’t have a problem staying busy, but who are we now? We are trying to adjust to the changes in our body as we age (71 and72) as well. It is a process, but we are happy.
Arna,
Thank you for sharing from your heart and for so beautifully articulating what so many deal with in this stage of life. I love that you’re thinking about who you are. I can tell from the way you write that you have so much to offer. Keep searching and looking for ways to bless and serve others, sweet girl.
I think you’re doing amazing! Keep at it!
Grateful for your comment!
xoxo
Suzy
So very insightful Suzy as always. I am reading this as we travel to our retirement party hosted by our Company which we transferred to new management at the end of the year. Six weeks into retirement all those questions are still there but we have thought and planned long & hard before deciding this was the right time for us. Both keeping minds & communication open as we head forward into this new chapter!
Carole,
As usual, you are spot on with your thoughts and heart! Congratulations on reaching this momentous milestone, and I’m so proud of the way you two have been intentional and thoughtful as you headed in this direction.
Thank you so much for sharing. One of your retirement jobs is going to be Suzy & Bob’s tour guide when we come to visit! Hahaha!
I adore you, my friend!
xoxo
Suzy
Oh my goodness. – Your timing is epic! We are in the planning stages of my husband’s retirement. (18 months from now) But we have grandchildren in two states – Where do we live? We plan to downsize (again)! We downsized, then upsized! But do we live in two smaller places? Spend our time visiting the kids and family? We still have our mothers to care for (in two states!) We will continue to travel like crazy as well. You are so insightful – Thank you for opening this discussion!
Ohhhh Suzanne!
Wow! Thank you for sharing. I think your questions are so wise and so normal and natural for you to have at this stage. Keep talking! I love that you have tried things and been brave enough to make changes when necessary all along the way.
Whatever you do, keep traveling, for sure.
Hugs to you and Craig!
xoxo
Suzy
These comments are so inspiring! I am like you, Suzy, not planning to retire any time soon, and my husband has enough flexibility with his job that he is in no rush either. But I love reading through the comments at the different ways people find connection and meaning at this stage. Great post, Suzy!
Shannon,
Thank you so much for your comment! Some days I feel like I’m never going to retire, and some days, I’m just tired! (Like you, my job is 24/7 if I let it be!) Having a husband who still enjoys his work is so important, and I love that you both have flexibility.
I’m so grateful to live in a time when so much of my work can be done remotely, and I know you feel the same way. You are such an encouragement to me!
xoxo
Suzy
I retired 6 years ago (my husband retired 4 years ago) and leading up to that time I made a list of possible volunteer opportunities, most of those I was always interested in but did not have the time to commit. I also looked at classes at my local community college that might interest me (fun ones like cooking, painting, etc.). Unfortunately, COVID hit just weeks after I retired so many things were put on-hold but it also gave me an opportunity to catch up on reading and other hobbies. Once things settled, I was able to return to my list. But I have to say, the best thing about retirement is being able to do what you want, when you want to do it! It’s nice not being tied to a schedule.
Helen,
I love the way you were so thoughtful and intentional. (Give me a good old list any day!) So sorry that Covid derailed your initial plan, but I’m thrilled you were able to get back on track.
I’ve heard so many people say they love not having to wake up to an alarm or a set schedule!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and thoughts with our community, Helen! So kind of you.
xoxo
Suzy
My husband is retiring in May. I own a fitness studio and my job is my ministry and my passion. I am in no way ready to retire. I admit I am a bit anxious about all of it. Thanks for these great conversation starters!
Susan,
I’m sure you’ve expressed your thoughts and feelings to your husband. That is a lot to think about! Thank you so much for sharing your experience with our little community. So kind of you.
Hopefully, it will encourage him to develop his own interests and friendships so that when you are ready to slow down, he’s an interesting and engaged person to spend time with. Maybe he could take over some of the administrative tasks with your business and free up some spare time for you!
Grateful to you for sharing, Susan! I wish you two all the best.
xoxo
Suzy
My husband and I retired 10 years ago and I use to worry how I would spend my days but that should have been the least of my concerns ! Our free time started with both our employers asking us to work 1/4 time which we did for 3 years this helped ease the transition into a new chapter. I also intentionally left my calendar open to help family members and they didn’t disappoint both my in-laws and two sisters had health issues and what a blessing for the extra time to help them out with driving to appointments, meals etc. Next up both my children graduated college and had various internships which involved us helping with more moves and setting up new homes than I care to remember! Currently we have a wedding to plan for so that is taking extra time to coordinate. My husband started a lucrative hobby 20+ years ago so that keeps him extremely busy as he sells his work in a gallery. And that has provided an enormous amount of opportunities to travel both here and internationally.
Retirement really does give you time and space to do more of what matters to you so just get really clear on what matters to you. If it’s health than finding the time to exercise, cook and bake from scratch will take up quite a bit of time. And of course maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner, family and friends requires you to invest the time and what a blessing to be able to do so. Finally, maintaining a home, yard and garden will always keep you busy! In retrospect my concern should not have been “how do I fill my days” but to “how in the world did I have time to work”
Best wishes to anyone moving into or thinking about this new exciting chapter.
Anne,
Oh, my word, I LOVED your comment! Thank you so much for sharing from your heart and for giving us such wisdom. My favorite thing you said was, “Retirement really does give you time and space to do more of what matters to you, so just get really clear on what matters to you.”
That’s brilliant, and I couldn’t have said it better myself! Honestly, the Empty Nest Blessed community is so full of smart, gifted, wise women, and I couldn’t be more grateful!
Thank you, beautiful Anne! Write me back in 5 years when you’re busy with the grandkids too!
xoxo
Suzy
Suzy, I would absolutely love to retire now as our daughter is having our first grandbabies in March- identical twin boys. She is going to need my help and lives a little over an hour away in College Station. However, I gave up my career for 18 years to work at a Christian private school in which they attended so we are now catching up on retirement. It will be another 5 years at least. My husband works physical labor and I wonder how long his body can take it but I don’t see him wanting to retire just maybe transitioning to something less physical.
It’s great to think and dream about and I really enjoyed your article.
Sherry,
Thank you for sharing! I love that you’ve given your heart and time to such a precious calling – Christian Education! Thank you for doing that.
No matter what is going on with the two of you right now, it’s such a good conversation to have. As so many women have shared here today, being intentional and talking about it continually are always such helpful things to do.
Blessings to you, precious Sherry, and thank you for leaving a comment and sharing!
xoxo
Suzy
Although I don’t think we should live our life comparing it to others’, I do think it’s helpful to look at your close friends and larger social circles to see what their retirement journey looks like. My husband had thrown around the retirement talk a few years ago but after many of our friends started retiring we looked at each other one day and decided to speed up instead of slowing down. He already had a big job but took an even bigger, more demanding job. I took a second part-time job. We’re kind of old to be working as much as we do and don’t need to work from a financial point but we feel so energized and fulfilled! Truly, it’s a personal choice.
Cherie,
I LOVE your perspective. Bob and I did the same thing! I wrote a book, signed with a management agency, and increased my assistant’s hours. Bob took on additional projects and is so fulfilled! I know we’ll slow down eventually, but we’re having a great time!
Thanks so much for sharing!
xoxo
Suzy