5 Practical Ways to Nurture Your Empty-Nester Marriage

Right before my nest emptied, I asked one of my friends (who was about a year into her empty-nester life) what was different about her marriage now that the kids were gone. “Well, there’s a lot more nudity!” she said. I think I screamed 😱 and put my hands over my ears in protest. Wow! Okay! Um, I then proceeded to tell her that I was not looking for that kind of information! “No,” she replied with a laugh, “what I mean is that when we’re getting ready in the mornings, and we want something from the fridge, we just go and get it. No worries!” (At the time, I remember thinking that sounded fantastic, as well as a handy way to deal with hot flashes, just sayin’!) I’m here to tell you that she was right. There is a lot of, um, freedom in the empty nest. 🤣

As you transitioned into the empty nest phase of life, I’m sure you felt the same mix of emotions we did. As the kids left, it was a weird mixture of a sense of loss mixed with a kind of glee as we realized the newfound freedom we had. It was a pivotal time for our marriage as we worked to get used to the “new normal” and reconnected in a meaningful way!

If you’re like us, you recognize the importance of nurturing your relationship, no matter how many years you’ve been empty nesters. So how and why do you need to give your empty-nester marriage special attention? How can you strengthen your bonds? Today, I’m sharing answers to those questions, along with five practical things you can do to nurture your empty-nester marriage.

Divorce and Empty Nesters

Unfortunately, while divorce has declined among adults in their 20s and 30s, according to the American Psychological Association, the rate among adults aged 50 and older has surged upward, doubling between 1990 and 2010 before leveling off more recently. Despite the fun and freedom of the empty nest, people 55 years old and older currently account for 25% of all divorces, with 1 in 10 being 65 or older.

Why? Kids leaving home is a major milestone in life! When the children move away, and you’re left with just each other, it can cause you to reevaluate your life and your marriage. Many couples realize they were consumed by raising their children, and they lost their connection with each other along the way. A new empty nester friend of ours jokingly summed it up when he said, “The kids are leaving. I really hope I like my wife!”

All joking aside, as empty nesters, you do need to be intentional about reconnecting after the kids leave! So, what can you do to nurture and grow your relationship?

What You Can Do

Without a doubt, when the kids leave the nest, dynamics change with your spouse. Even if your marriage was healthy when the kids were in the nest, things do shift when it’s just the two of you day after day. Marriages are kind of like fires—they need to be constantly rekindled to keep going strong. How do we do that if love is an emotion? Is love an emotion? Experts are divided on this.

Like emotions, love is complex and can actually produce physiological and psychological changes. But unlike emotions, it doesn’t have an apparent trigger (like, for example, frustration or anger). In her book Emotional Agility, Dr. Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, says that people often feel like love is something that happens to them rather than something they can influence themselves.  Just like other emotions, we can affect, manage, and shape our feelings of love every day. This is important for empty nesters to remember!

All the new-found “togetherness” of the empty nest can tend to either foster irritation, emotional distance, and resentment, or appreciation, closeness, and intimacy. (My friends who have retired tell me this truth intensifies during the retirement transition. SO. MUCH. TOGETHERNESS. 😬)

In one of my favorite books, Love is a Decision, authors Gary Smalley and John Trent share a plan for increasing depth, warmth, and excitement in marriage. They believe healthy marriages are no accident. If your empty-nester marriage is struggling, I highly recommend this book!

Bob and I are closer than ever as empty nesters. We share more, laugh more, and have more fun! Here are five things we’ve done that have made a difference in our empty-nester marriage.

1. Remember, You Married a Coin

In trying to explain marriage to our kids early on, we used the word picture of a coin. We told them that the “heads” side of the coin represents a person’s strengths, while the “tails” side represents their negative qualities. Two out of the three of our kids are married now, and we still talk about it with them and their spouses!

The truth is, we fall in love with a person’s strengths, but one day we wake up and realize we’re married to their weaknesses! Weaknesses are simply strengths taken to the extreme. Bob and I have come to realize that differences in the way we see and approach things are largely a matter of temperament and personality type, and we can make a choice to focus on heads rather than tails when it comes to each other.

In fact, after 37 years of marriage, I can truly say that our differences have softened the rough edges we both had. For example, Bob’s deep thoughtfulness has softened my impulsiveness, and my go-getter personality has helped him to take action when his default would have been to overthink a situation.

2. Keep Dating

When our kids were younger, dating meant scheduling a time on the calendar, arranging for a babysitter, prepping the kids (Homework! Baths! Jammies!) for the sitter, and finally prepping ourselves for our date (Clothes! Makeup! Plans!). It was a big deal. Even as the kids got older and could stay by themselves, it involved some planning and preparation. That all changed in the empty nest. I’ve shared before that my husband’s motto for the empty nest is, “We can go wherever we want, whenever we want, and stay as long as we want!”

It’s a great motto and technically true (if not always practical!). But honestly, sometimes it’s just easier to stay home in our jammies and watch TV or crank through our to-do lists. This is not okay. When our nest first emptied, we sat down and made a list of places and restaurants nearby that would be fun to go to as a couple. (Think museums, concerts, unique restaurants, sporting events, etc.) Then we systematically started working through that list. It’s still going, and we add to it all the time.

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We’ve made a huge effort to spend more time doing what we love to do as an empty-nester couple! We’ve been to lots of sporting events, and we even bought season tickets for football and basketball at the college we attended. We’ve also found we really love going to concerts! We’ve seen everyone from Lionel Ritchie, Queen, and Journey to Chris Tomlin, Toby Mac, and Mercy Me. One time we even flew to NYC to see Billy Joel perform at Madison Square Garden! (He performs there once a month.)

The important thing is that we have a date night at least once a week. Every. Single. Week. By the way, research shows that when couples try something new together, they feel more attracted to one another. The more adrenaline-producing—the more attracted you will be. Bungee jumping, anyone? 🙃😬

This year, as a part of ENB’s Guide to Valentine’s Day, we’re sharing a printable PDF of 68 Great Date Night Ideas for Empty Nesters! You can check it out—along with the other items in our Guide to Valentine’s Day (still in progress)—by clicking HERE.

3. Spend Time with Other Empty Nesters

When our nest first emptied, we made a list of other empty-nester couples that we wanted to get to know better. We set up lots of double dates, gradually making our way through our list. All of the couples were flattered to be asked, and we realized that everyone enjoys double dates, but very few couples really make the effort to invite another couple to join them! (It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut and go alone to your same old spots.)

Bob and I still go out by ourselves, but we’ve learned so much from spending time with other empty-nester couples. We’ve talked with them about everything from how they’re navigating life in the empty nest to how they are parenting adult children, coping with aging parents, walking through retirement, and more. It’s encouraging to know that we aren’t the only ones working through these issues! Often, hearing how other empty-nester couples are handling things gives us practical ideas for situations we’re facing. What a blessing!

We also joined a Sunday School class at church that is full of empty nesters! It’s a huge blessing to do life with others who are navigating the same waters that we are, with the same faith-based mindset.

4. Talk and Ask Questions

If you’re like us, when you first met, you talked and talked. As the years went on, we kept talking, but the talk turned from our hopes and dreams to the day-to-day intricacies of life with three kids. Now that the kids are gone, we’re making an effort to talk about those hopes and dreams again. What’s on your bucket list? What would you eat for your last meal? What are your fondest memories of your childhood?

If you need help getting started, Gary Chapman, author of  (If you’ve been hanging around here long, you know I love that book!), has written another book called 101 Conversation Starters for Couples. It is excellent (and would make a great gift!). Another resource we’ve loved is TableTopics Date Night. It’s got 135 question cards that are wonderful conversation starters. Questions like:

• What’s the funniest thing I do that makes you laugh?
• What do you most want to know about me that you don’t already know?
• What’s the worst trait a neighbor of ours could have?
• What’s your favorite memory of when we were dating?
• Which famous couple would we like to go on a double date with?

5. Make Tiny Tweaks

Keep flirting! Keep laughing! Make eye contact. Hug goodbye every morning. Smile at each other. Pray with and for each other. Rediscover the power and fun of kissing. Remember to say thank you to one another. We’ve realized we can make a choice and exert the effort to engage one another. It’s made a big difference for us!

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Above all, I think being intentional about prioritizing our relationship has been the key for us when it comes to nurturing our empty-nester marriage. What’s worked for you? I’d love to know! Leave me a comment and share your tips with our empty-nester community, okay?