Six Ways to Show Love to Your Adult Children
Our kids need to know we love them just as much as adults as they did when they were kids. Your expressions of love are going to look different, for sure, but it’s more important than ever that you show them your approval and love. Today, I’m sharing six practical ways that you can show love to your adult children.
1. Be their Cheerleader
Everybody needs an “attaboy” sometimes! Your adult kids need to know that you have full confidence in them and in their ability to handle challenges and adversity. Say things like, “You’ve got this! It may be challenging but because you’re the kind of person that ______(list positive character qualities here)______, I know you’ve got what it takes to handle this.” They won’t handle every situation perfectly, but you can always encourage them by pointing out what they learned and how that knowledge will help them the next go ’round.
2. Be Generous
I’m not necessarily talking about money! Be generous with your time, your resources, and your support. When our son and his wife moved to a new apartment, we blocked the date off on our calendar so we could help. It might not have been our favorite way to spend a Saturday, but it was a tangible way that we could serve them. Over the course of the day, the four of us had lots of laughs and meaningful conversations, and it gave us ample opportunity to build them up and encourage them. We said things like, “Oh, it’s so smart of y’all to have a _____(name of helpful tool or appliance)____! It’s really going to come in handy one day,” and, “I love this _____(name of furniture or accessory)_____. You have such great taste!”
3. Set Healthy Boundaries and Stick to Them
When your kids become adults (and especially when they get married), be sure that you establish and maintain healthy boundaries with them. Remind yourself that the growing-up process usually looks like a hot mess and your kids are going to stumble around as they learn to figure things out on their own. There really are no shortcut when you’re learning to “adult,” and I guarantee it will be hard to watch sometimes. They will handle some things well, and in other cases, you will see the writing on the wall well before they do. Resist the urge to intervene (although that will be your default setting!). If you absolutely must, be sure to ask their permission first. Say something like, “I have a thought about ____ (situation, person) _____, but if you don’t want to hear it, that’s fine. Would you like to hear my thoughts? You can say ‘no.'” 🙂
4. Be a Good Listener
Always ask about them first. Say things like, “How was your day? How did everything work out with _____ (situation, person)_____?” Let them talk and ask follow up questions if it’s appropriate. Whatever you do, DO NOT bring your own emotional baggage or neediness into the conversation. Think twice before you unload about your struggle with the empty nest or the fight you got into with their dad! Be sure to let them be the “experts” and even show off a little by telling you about their latest success, how hard they’re working, how much stress they’re under, etc. I tell my two unmarried children that I am always here to “hold the bucket” for them. Even if they just want to call me and vent for 5 minutes, I am happy to be that person for them.
5. Speak It
Tell them you love them. If they’re embarrassed, shorten it to “Love ya!” and say it even more often! Don’t assume they know how you feel. Expressing your love in words is never, ever wrong and showing it in their primary Love Language is even better. And when you speak it, honor them enough to do it in their preferred mode. That means doing things like texting (instead of calling), sending thoughtful or funny GIFs, or even asking them to set you up on Snapchat or Instagram so you can keep up with their lives on their favorite platforms.
6. Pray for Them
Pray for your kids and tell them that you’re praying for them. Prayer is simply talking to our loving Heavenly Father. He established it as the means by which we receive his supernatural help. Not sure how to do it? The post I wrote on how I pray for my adult kids is a favorite for Empty Nest Blessed followers! You can check it out HERE.
No matter what their age, your adult children need your love, encouragement, and support. How do you express love to your adult kids? I’d love to know your tips in the comments below.
I’ve linked a few of my favorite resources to help you as you show love to your adult kids. Click on any image for more information.
February 16, 2018 @ 6:40 am
Suzy, This is such an important reminder! I really like the examples you gave in number 3. Well stated. Even at my age I enjoy accolades and expression of love from my parents too! Have a lovely weekend! Julie
February 16, 2018 @ 3:48 pm
Julie,
Thanks so much for your comment! I’m with you – what my parents think of me is still so important to me! We all need a cheerleader and we all need to feel loved. Happy weekend! xoxo Suzy
February 16, 2018 @ 10:15 am
Great tips, Suzy! I can especially relate to number four! This is something I’ve been learning too; basically never stop being their mom. Don’t think because they are adults now that you stand on equal ground. Don’t expect them to be interested in your life, job, interests. Concentrate on being there for them, and find your friendships with like minded people your own age.
Thanks for the confirmation!
February 16, 2018 @ 3:51 pm
Anne,
Wow, you are so right. I was actually thinking about that as I wrote this post. It really never is equal, is it? We need those friends our own age. Your kids are great, but they’ll never see you as a peer. (And you’ll never see them as one either.) That’s some good hard, truth you shared, my friend. THANK YOU for sharing that and for being so honest. xoxo Suzy
February 17, 2018 @ 6:14 am
This post is so full of good information and encouragement. Keep ‘Em coming Suzy. And Anne’s comment is so spot on and a great reminder too.
Thanks!!
February 17, 2018 @ 7:37 pm
Kellie,
Thank you so much! That is so kind of you. Yes! Anne is right on – a tough truth to hear, but a truth nonetheless. You were so sweet to leave me a comment and take a moment to tell me you liked the post. Blessings to you! xoxo Suzy
February 17, 2018 @ 7:15 am
Such a good post and you are so right with these suggestions! Very good reminders b/c once our children are on their own, it takes a different approach to stay close with them. As their lives get busy, children come along, moves to different cities, etc, it takes more effort to keep a healthy and good relationship. Another reminder I try (try being key here ????) to do at times is to think back when my husband and I were their age, young married, making our own decisions etc, what would we like, what advice did we appreciate, what we did not like and NOT want to hear.
Thanks for your thoughts and I am so glad you are better!
February 17, 2018 @ 7:39 pm
Martha,
You are right on, gal! Bob and I were JUST talking about that very thing today and I said, “Aw, I should have put that in my post!” Now I don’t have to go back and add it because you thoughtfully mentioned it here. THANK YOU!!! I’m grateful. xoxo Suzy
November 15, 2019 @ 10:48 am
This is a great website! Thank you..
November 15, 2019 @ 2:00 pm
Linda,
What a kind thing to say! I’ve worked hard on it, so that really means a lot to me. Thank you!
xoxo Suzy
January 24, 2020 @ 5:39 pm
Hey Suzy, great article. From the perspective of an adult child, I’d like to add my two cents. My parents pray for me and constantly tell me they are praying for me as a way to show love but truth be told, that means little when they make it clear that they have no real interest in getting to know me as an individual. They assume, as many parents do, that they know their children because they raised them. But children are not extensions of parents, they are their own complete person that takes time and genuine interest to really get to know. And this may come as a shocker to some but your adult children have opinions and experiences that are just as valid as yours. I think it would be beneficial for parents to remember, you are not automatically granted a close relationship with your adult child. It must be earned with time and trust like any other relationship.
Side note, if you’re going to be generous and give money or help your child move, whatever it may be, absolutely do not hold that over them and in anger say things like “look at everything I’ve done for you”. It voids your generosity.
In conclusion, I really believe most adult children, above everything, would rather be treated as an equal. Treated with respect to their ideas and approached by their parents with a genuine curiosity about who they are. But what do I know, ask your own adult children what it is they truly desire from you and your relationship.
January 24, 2020 @ 7:14 pm
Kat,
WOW! Thank you so much for your candor and honesty! I am so grateful to you for taking the time to write this and share it with me.
I would like ot ask your permission to share it (completely anonymously, of cours) in an upcoming blog post.
I think it would really help a lot of parents!
Would you let me know if that would be okay? You can just reply to this comment or email me at [email protected].
THANK YOU!!!!
xoxo
Suzy
February 6, 2021 @ 6:25 am
Thank you Kat! I am going to sincerely ask my adult son the question you suggest, instead of assuming I know what he needs from me! Life changing stuff! Thank you so much for sharing, it was exactly what I needed to hear! Bless you!